Dreamcatcher: See The Real Me

In denial

2012-01-18T02:44:00.001+08:00

I can't believe my degree is (insya-Allah) finally over.

Yeah sure, I bitch about it. 3 years in a homogeneous environment, how I hate it, yada yada yada. But when it's finally over and done with, I'm left with a sudden wistful feeling. Denial, even.

I can't believe I won't go back to that place (except for convo, insya-Allah). I can't believe I won't walk the halls, corridors, classrooms, labs ever again. No more listening to boring lectures while stifling a yawn, no more eating nasi lemak at Kenanga with classmates, no more quick naps during lunchtime at Puncak Perdana.

It's crazy, but I find myself missing those little moments. Moments that I thought were insignificant, yet were actually vital in making me who I am now.

Now that it's over, I have to actually make myself useful. :P

Sem 2 dulu with Dr. Cynthia for Lang & Comm. Best lecturer ever.

I'll miss everyone, some more than others. Zettai.

Homos are worse than animals?

2011-12-20T23:31:00.002+08:00

One of the hottest topics now is Ariff Alfian Rosli's alleged 'gay marriage' to an Irish man, Jonathan. I refuse to put up the photos here 'coz seriously, you can just go and google them yourselves.

It makes me sad, reading the blog posts and comments bashing the poor guy. Saying homos are worse than animals? I beg to differ. Homosexuality in animals have been observed in many species of animals which you can see here. I mean, if National Geographic has a report on this, you can be sure it is true.

To those people saying even animals don't practice homosexuality, teeeeeeeeeeeet! You're way off on that count.

If that doesn't convince you, there is also necrophilia in animals, which is defined by Wikipedia here. The mallard duck is famous for practising necrophilia as well as swans. You can watch it here. Necrophilia, put simply, is a love for dead beings. See? There's proof that homos aren't worse than animals. Sheesh.

Now, I'm not saying I'm supportive of homosexuality. Islam strictly prohibits this behaviour, as clearly mentioned in the Quran (do correct me if these verses are wrong. I got them from here):

We also (sent) Lut: he said to his people: "Do ye commit lewdness such as no people in creation (ever) committed before you? "For ye practice your lusts on men in preference to women: ye are indeed a people transgressing beyond bounds." - Holy Quran 7:80-81

"Of all the creatures in the world will ye approach males". "And leave those whom Allah has created for you to be your mates? Nay ye are a people transgressing (all limits)!" - Holy Quran 26:165-166

Yes, Islam forbids homosexuality, but there is no way Islam condones humiliation of homosexuals. Correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't God send two of His angels to convince the people of Nabi Luth to repent? Only when they absolutely refused to do so did Allah destroy them. Seriously, they were getting out of control, but I don't see Nabi Luth condemning them with harsh words. Destroying the people was the last resort.

In my honest opinion, the people who condemn homosexuals to hell and back only showcase their idiocy and narrow-mindedness. What we should be doing is get close to them and try our best to guide them to the right path. After all, if you swing one way or both ways, it's really a test from God. Great rewards await those who are patient through all the trials and tribulations.

When you think about it, who are we, really, to pass judgement on our fellow humans there and then? Even Allah reserves judgement til later. If Allah is Most Merciful, then we mere mortals certainly have no right to talk as if we're God. Please, think before you talk.

Of course, not all homos are kind spirits. Ningen desho? (They're still human right?).

Alia Farhana Ismail – Paragon of Charity

2011-12-16T18:49:00.002+08:00

To Yaya onee-chan, my beloved sister and fellow underappreciated soul, I give you my heartfelt thoughts of you.

We’ve been friends since semester 1, right? I still remember the first day of our friendship. In APB auditorium, there for the start-of-semester briefing. I remember us thinking you were a senior because of your contact lenses (mainly) and your appearance. I remember you looking at us with a mixture of bewilderment and longing. Little did we know you were in semester 1 too! Imagine the surprise we felt when you opened your mouth. As I remember, Azied was taken by your lenses. *wink*

Semester 1 marked the beginning of our friendship and the joy of having found a kindred spirit in the dunes of UiTM Puncak Perdana and later, Shah Alam. That semester was one of my darkest and in you, I found the light to my dark soul. You lifted me out of the abyss of depression, when no one else understood my gloomy thoughts. Only you knew how difficult it was for me.

When I was down with dengue fever, only you and Jaja-unni came to see me. The rest professed basic concern, nothing more. Can you imagine my surprise and utmost gratitude when I opened my eyes and saw you two? The presence of you two eclipsed the black thought that no one else cared to see me. Even when I had to be warded and no one but my family came to visit me, I didn’t feel too sad. The warm memory of seeing both of you in my room was enough to carry me through the bad times.

I know that the innocent look is not all that makes you the person you are. You are actually a much more profound person than that. A wise advisor, a true friend, pure of heart. After 3 years of friendship, I hope it’s not too late for me to see that.

Words hardly express the depth of my appreciation, but I shall try.

Yaya, for being the insightful person; for knowing instinctively whenever there’s something bothering me; for being the ideal participant of our ‘intelligent conversations’; for being sweet, mature you; for being the beacon of light in a sea of darkness; for being the shield and ‘comforter’ against adversity; for being the only girl who understands me, thank you. I’ll never forget your kindnesses to me. You are indeed irreplaceable; the embodiment of God’s benevolence. Always stay true to yourself, for it is that golden girl who made me believe in the existence of kindred spirits.

I am, as always, your eternally grateful sister.

-- The flower that blooms in adversity is the most rare and beautiful of all (Mulan).

Alienation on Facebook

2011-12-16T14:50:00.000+08:00

Facebook. Who hasn't heard of this social networking site? With more than 800 million active users worldwide (as of July 2011), there is hardly a corner of the world that has never heard of this site. Young and old alike, most of us are absolutely familiar with how this site has changed the social landscape since its launch in 2004, whether consciously or not.

The New York Times (Dec 13, 2011) states that "one of Facebook’s main selling points is that it builds closer ties among friends and colleagues." In most ways, this is true. You can get updates on what your schoolmates are doing even though you haven't spoken to them in years. You can play games together and talk about it on wall posts. However, for some people, seeing all the pictures and talk about events that they were not a part of can have a negative effect on them. Girls are especially notorious for this. As a majority of close friendships seem to demand that two best friends go EVERYWHERE together, having separate activities, even the most trivial, almost always results in one friend's outrage.

"Oh my God I can't believe you didn't invite me to this party/outing/event! Why wasn't I invited?!" and the ranting and raving goes on. In Malaysia, it's even more mundane. "Apasal pergi toilet tak ajak?" The bitching goes on behind the intended's back, although I'm pretty sure this is the same case everywhere.

I feel both sides of the argument about best friends (or even close friends) doing separate things. On one hand, I dislike the unwritten rule that girls must go everywhere together, regardless of the need to enjoy one's own company (ALONE) or to have a change of scenery at times. On the other hand, I feel 'alienated' when I see pictures and updates of events that I am not a part of. Hypocrisy, some may call it, but in my case, I feel both sides equally. I am a hypocrite only if I project one side as a facade.

The feelings of alienation don't stop there. Before the study of critical thinking was available to me, I persisted in thinking that I was undesirable company, that I was actually a social pariah. Now, I just think positively. After all, it's not like I don't have other friends.

With Facebook, the barriers of distance and time are removed. Pictures can be uploaded and viewed immediately, meaning that the moments you shared can be seen by other people at the same time you're enjoying them. Yes, Facebook brings people closer with the ability to post updates, pictures, and videos, but for people outside the loop, it may serve to widen the social gap even more. Maybe even whittle the social circle even smaller than how it used to be.

Of course, the above is only my opinion. Feel free to debate this issue in the comments section. No bashing, mind. :)

-- cleansing my mind of self-deprecating thoughts.

Positively bloated.

2011-12-15T02:18:00.000+08:00

I look absolutely puffed up in my dinner pix. Like a puffer fish sans spikes. Garh.

I'm the one in green and yellow.

Back to exercising again. Wish I can go swim in UiTM's pool anytime I want. Sigh~

-- talking to myself can be destructive at times. although other people disagree with my opinion of myself.

Nuralmas Baharuddin – Paragon of Virtue

2011-12-10T15:46:00.001+08:00

Kak Mas, bear in mind that this is not flattery, but my heartfelt, honest-to-God thoughts about you.

Remember at the end of the dinner event, you said you’d pray for my grade for EPC615 would go up? To you, it may be of miniscule importance, but to me, your words touched me deeply. Rarely have a friend prayed for my success in studies, especially as detailed a prayer as yours. For me, your unswaying faith in my academic abilities is very heartwarming. Definitely heartwarming, when one has a heart of ice such as mine.

Why has such a simple comment triggered such a profound emotion? Although you’ve never exactly understood how dark my soul possibly is, your friendship, your influence on me, is slowly cleansing it. Your insistence in believing there is good in everyone, no matter how evil they can be, showed me the world isn’t quite the bleak place I believed it to be.

I may be exaggerating, but I truly believe you are one of the paragons of virtue in the world. Of course, no one is perfect. You have your flaws too, but your good qualities far outweigh them. Your dedication to your duties, be it to family or faculty, is awe-inspiring. Your willingness to help your fellow friend, regardless of your busy life, is a prime example of good will still prevailing in a world slowly filled with dark deeds. Your almost uncanny ability to connect with people, anyone, anywhere, fills me with envy, which makes me strive to be a more pleasant person in general, instead of the haughty Ice Queen.

Kak Mas, always be yourself, even in times of great distress. Your absolute faith in God has made you into who you are; a role model to me. I wish I can be as kind as you, as friendly as you, as non-judgemental as you. For extending your friendship these 3 years to me, consider me forever in your debt.

Yay!

2011-12-01T12:57:00.001+08:00

A feeling of relief.

Research draft dah hantar.

Tinggal edit, binding hardcover, professional presentation.

Then I'm done!

What then, afterwards?

~ Grab somebody sexy and tell them hey! Give me everything tonight ~

Strike three... and you're out!

2011-11-21T15:07:00.001+08:00

Research, research, research... and I learned another lesson.

See, I persist in giving people second chances. Third chances, even, and it's all in the name of preserving friendships. But this time? If I continue giving chances, I'm being way too nice for my own good.

I see it one way; the other side sees another. No amount of explanation can make the other side shine with the ray of truth. Ain't sayin' my way is right and the other is wrong; just a case of wanting to make things simpler.

Makes sense, right? Apparently not. Now I truly see the extent of betrayal, how really two-faced one can be.

I hope to God that the other side will receive a chance to see the light. Otherwise, it's eternal nights of doom there.

-- now i see the folly of being too nice for my own good.

Vent... or not to vent?

2011-10-11T12:58:00.003+08:00

Okay, short post from the office. :D

Honestly, there are so many things happening, I'm not so sure whether I should post things on Facebook/Twitter or not. Then again, as someone on FB said, "Face your problems; don't Facebook them!".

I think that's a good quote. I really should learn from it.

Pagi-pagi lagi dah buat pe'el. Haish. PLEBEIANS. Tch.

Whatever. Like I care so much about that eejit.

-- can i have one idiot-free day coupon?

Raya sakan

2011-09-07T22:00:00.001+08:00

Possibly the best Raya ever. 3 houses in one day! Mesti la best kan. :D

1st stop: Izzati's house
The first stop for me should have been Hizwani's house, but due to oversleeping, Izzati's house was the first. Hanif picked me up with his Unser (his surprise was Bee Harn -- I was ecstatic to see her) and we went off with Ilyas Husaini in tow to Izzati's house. Some of the invitees were already there.

Nasi lemak ahoy! I was ravenous, so I tucked into the food immediately after our arrival. Kudos to Izzati's mum for awfully good food! Anwar siap tapau, haha. Soon after, everyone was present.

The atmosphere quickly heated up because of the volume of people and so much laughing. Camwhoring time!

Izzati, Sabrina

Hizwani, Atiqah

3K!

Lawak kan? Even though some didn't know what 3K meant, they still did it. Sporting habis. The Raya party then moved to the 2nd stop.

2nd stop: Atiqah's house

I must say, it's my first time to Izzati's and Atiqah's house. There, we were greeted by Atiqah's mom (she remembered my name!) and sat down to 'laksa Siam'. First time ever eating it and it was delicious! We didn't stay for long there. Tapi sempat amik gambar lagi *big grin*

me (the Ice Queen), Zawani and Salwa grinning madly

Hizwani, Alisya

I love Alisya's hairstyle now. Seriously.

Diva Queen Wani

Nak sain~ :D

3rd stop: Alisya's house

Here's a house I'm quite familiar with. For me (I dunno about the others), I met Alisya's grandma for the first time. A very friendly lady. More laughter here; unfortunately, some were missing due to prior arrangements. Nasi minyak on the menu, courtesy of Ali's grandma. Sedapsedapsedap likelikelike, hee.

Omar, Zawani sedondon

Amboi cantiknya dorg... I loike!

The girls!

So happy to see Vaishi there too! She's back for the holidays. It felt like old times again, laughing and talking about school.

That was the end of 'Jalan Jalan Hari Raya'. For some of us, however, we continued with a movie, Final Destination 5 at GSC Tropicana City Mall. After that harrowing movie (I think we were pretty noisy in the theatre, sorry), we moved on to Al-Safa Bistro near Kelana Square.

Adi Abdue

Aisyah, Sabrina's younger sister

Sabrina, Hanif

Sam, Izzati

The latter two are the 'fantasy couples' in the group :P

It was almost 2am when I got back home. Suffice to say, I had a blast yesterday. *goofy smile*

-- wish times like these lasted forever.

Jet, Set, Go! - JB

2011-09-03T03:56:00.000+08:00

Amazingly, I was at JB only mere hours ago.

I accompanied my mum and aunt to pick up the aunt's car, visit my late grandparents' graves, and pick up stuff from the JB house. It was great when I got to eat soto at 4am with mum, auntie and her husband. Sedap pulak tu kan. Mantapp~ Unfortunately, the ancestral house is now an empty, soulless shadow of its former glory. *sob*

Soulless living room

Still fatigued from travel, I went out with my 'lepak' friends to Shah Alam (for more info, refer to my Facebook profile) and had a midnight snack. We laughed ourselves silly and made lots of noise. That's what friends are for~ :D

Although to be honest, I felt a little detached from tonight's session. Maybe I was left behind too far. Hm...

Adapting process not yet complete. For now, best to keep mum for a while.

On another thought, pressure to get married went up a lil notch. It's getting scary. Control-phobic as I am, I won't deny that I have to get hitched sometime. Just not now. As a senior once said,

"Enjoy life first la. You're too intelligent to get hitched early."

:D :D :D

My heart seems to be open for business now, although the guy who's walked in doesn't appear to be destined for me. Oh well. Next! :P

-- happy yet wistful. will it ever be possible with him? entah la. first, mantapkan diri dulu.

Salam Aidilfitri

2011-08-30T02:04:00.000+08:00

Technically, it's Raya already.

SALAM AIDILFITRI TO ALL MY FAITHFUL READERS! MAAF ZAHIR BATIN :)

Marah banyak ke, all in CAPS?
Tak la, just to attract your attention. :D

*boom* There goes a few fingers (OK, nauzubillah).

I realise this year hasn't been the best in a while (what with traumatic events and whatnot), so I resolve to make this year's Aidilfitri a better one than years past. It was a great Ramadhan, meeting old friends and laughing like crazy. I am revitalised!

I just wish I can stop thinking about the bad memories, especially parts where I know I am justified to feel angry about people involved. I'm also secretly dreading ever crossing paths with 'em again ( I just don't like drama) even though in the end, I was totally right. Sigh... The mind does play evil sometimes.

Confusion is currently in. I keep thinking of him, a new old him. I probably won't get him either, coz he said it's all 'cerita lama' :( But it's all right; I'm happy being friends. Really.

There are a lot of if onlys. I'm only human, after all. For Raya at least, I shall be truly grateful for being me. :)

-- crushing on celebrities. it helps to keep the loneliness at bay.

Where is the love?

2011-08-02T00:48:00.000+08:00

Jangan risau kalau kita masih belum berpunya. Mungkin Allah nak uji kesabaran kita kerana Dia mahu berikan yang terbaik untuk kita. :) Jadi, bersabarlah. :) -- Hizwani Ishak (auntie dia yang cakap)

Sekejap je dah nak dekat 2 tahun sejak peristiwa itu. Countdown almost over.

I'm glad he's happy. Really, I am. Tapi kadang-kadang terfikir, apa nasib aku? Isn't there anyone who wants me for me? Kalau takat nak sebab body je, baik takyah langsung.

I have a personality! See me for who I really am!

Kalau diam je, bila je orang boleh tengok 'the real you', kan? Hm...

Well, there's always comfort in family. I'm simple: It's okay to be a spinster, as long as I can provide for my family. Itu aku dah cukup syukur. God and family are everything.

-- senang la cakap luar. dalam siapa yang tahu?

And the ditching begins... now.

2011-07-13T23:52:00.000+08:00

I seriously don't get some people at times.

OK, so I may be overreacting, overanalysing, over-whatever. But is it wrong to expect a tiny bit of consideration towards others? I only ask for a bit of thought. I'm not asking for us all to stick to each other like glue (that just makes me feel suffocated); just that it would be nice if I was told that we're ready to go off. After all, that's why I was talking to someone else: because I was passing the time. Like duh.

Now that we're talking about informing, let's talk about this. Say there's a plan to have a day out with friends. Bila tak jadi, senyap je. You waste several hours thinking, jadi ke tak ni? Wouldn't it be better to inform those involved, "Hey, sorry but the outing's cancelled." Is it the culture to think that 'kalau senyap tu maknanya tak jadi la'. Dahla Malaysians are rarely punctual. When you add that to the mix, confusion arises.

I'm not saying I'm innocent of these charges; I sometimes forget to RSVP my friends about plans too. Maybe I'm being biased, but it seems like other people do it a hell lot more often than I do, resulting in HOURS wasted wondering where the hell the others got to. I mean, if we're not going out, then I could have caught up on my e-book reading or something infinitely more beneficial than sitting around the house waiting for something that was not going to happen.

Now I'm upset. Grr.

-- when other races are kinder to you than your own. it made me realise how not typical i am. if you can't fit in, might as well stand out properly, right?

Syukur alhamdulillah

2011-06-17T08:57:00.000+08:00

The results for UiTM degrees are just in and praise be to Allah, I passed all subjects! Pointer still maintain 3 above, syukur alhamdulillah. Thank God for giving me the chance to be truly grateful to Him.

Carry marks pun tak banyak tapi still boleh lulus. Lecturers pun banyak tolong. Most of all, I'm really grateful I don't have to repeat any papers. I can now focus on my practical training with a clear conscience.

Now, all I have to do is get rid of this unlikely attraction to someone who, honestly, is not my type at all. Someone help me?

-- trigger-happy clown? psycho.

Hey! You! Intern!

2011-06-13T19:12:00.000+08:00

Okay, just ignore the title. I usually write the title before writing the entry itself so... yeah, that's it.

It's the beginning of week 3 as an intern and frankly, it's bittersweet. For one, I like the environment there. Result-oriented, so it's pretty relaxed, do-your-own-thing there. It helps since I am so not a morning person and I take hours to become a functioning human being. The place is comfortable (I'm occupying someone else's cubicle for the time being; where will I go when the person comes back? Oh no~) and food for lunch is no problem, thanks to the really friendly 'kakak' there. Pantry's great (I consume at least three mugs of hot drinks every day to wake me up) and most of the people there are pretty friendly.

I'm not one to complain when I've got it good, just that I wish the work wouldn't be so tedious. There are moments when I live for proofreading; I pounce gleefully on mistakes and am in my element as I cross this out and add this in. Happy happy happy~ Plus I learned a lot about the publishing industry, especially what goes on in the process of churning out educational books. Enlightening, so far.

The social environment... Let's just say due to the result-oriented way and it's peak season for the Publishing department, so everyone's engrossed in their work and it's dead quiet there... *crickets chirping*. I mean, sure, people talk, but only to their own group! It's so quiet, I retain my 'morning voice' (croaking/hoarse/sexy, pick one) well into the afternoon. I'm so scared to talk normally! Hopefully I will not feel so soon. It is quite disruptive to my overall feeling.

I'm glad I made a friend there. It's good to know there's someone I can talk with in my department, as I am isolated from the others.

Well, that's all I can think of. Perhaps there will be more interesting updates soon. Toodlepip!

-- thank God for keeping me safe from more heartbreaks.

Strange

2011-05-15T03:02:00.005+08:00

Money is, as we all know, important. But what it often does is that it comes between friendships and the rest. In a way, money shows you who your true friends really are.

Take what happened to me earlier.

Situation: I agreed to proofread a friend's work. Amount of payment not stipulated, a little chat about treating me to meals is OK for customers who are my friends, etc. (A lot of hazy things here). 23 pages forwarded to me, I worked through the night to finish the proofreading 'cause his lecturer wanted it the next morning.

[If you want to read more about the injustice, be my guest. If not, feel free to read something else.]

Fast forward to a couple of hours before this post was posted.

Me: Hey, don't think of me badly k? I just think since you stopped giving me work, might as well settle the money right? Just a friendly reminder.
Him: What money? I gave you RM__ already ok. You jangan nak lebih2.
Me: (explained the payment as how I saw it)
Him: (doesn't remember me saying anything about payment, he's the nice guy for offering to pay, says I said something about 'belanja makan pun dah OK', claims to remember everything I said, it was all hasty work, so he decided to discontinue my services [he said NOT A WORD about it to me, mind you])
Me: (admits my fault for the hasty work since I had to work through the night to meet his deadline, okla forget payment, I'm trying to work this out peacefully, you're the one who's making it into a war, not mature ok)
Him: (says I'm an attention seeker for posting about money owed on FB, he doesn't have time for this, no more working this out, people were right in that he shouldn't have gotten involved with me, he's not judging me but this is how I show myself, so this is how I value friendship, who's not mature, you try to make things right when you know you're wrong, etc.)
Me: *bewildered* I'm trying to work this out peacefully, friendship is more important than money, why are you judging me harshly, etc.
Him: Nite salam.

I seriously don't know what I did wrong. This is only the condensed version so I may have gotten some facts wrong. I tried to talk about it reasonably and all I got was unwanted judgement. Also that people have been talking behind my back. Of course, it's people we're talking about, there's bound to be some talking going on behind the person's back. But people actually told him not to get involved with me? That just about put the icing on the cake. Nice to know that I still have back-stabbers even when I'm in uni. So much for critical thinking. Juvenile, just juvenile.

Now the friendship's pretty much in shambles. Is it my fault? I don't think so. Perhaps the way I approached the issue wasn't right. Either way, it's all done.

-- I thank God for showing me the true colours of this person.

English Language Elitist?

2011-05-08T18:18:00.000+08:00

Disclaimer: This is only my opinion and should not, in any way, offend readers out there. After all, if you use critical thinking, you shouldn't be offended anyway.

I am an avid reader. And I mean avid. I read a lot: books, articles, Facebook status updates, anything printed. However, that doesn't mean I like what I read.

Perhaps I am an English language elitist, but when I read anything that has grammatical or spelling mistakes in it, it makes me sad. I'm not saying that I'm perfect in English; far from it. But at least I can detect mistakes in people's usage of the language.

This is Malaysia, after all. English is so common, people don't care whether they get it right or not. I've been told off for caring too much about grammatical correctness. As long as people understand, it's fine. I'm sorry if I offend you, but honestly, I dislike this mentality. If you're going to use a language, do it right. Don't make a half-assed effort of it and be satisfied. Yes, people can understand you, but if you're causing them a headache at the same time, isn't that bad?

I'd love to help people correct their mistakes and help them understand why it is so, but when people don't care, how am I to do it? Friends say, if they want to be helped, they'll ask for it. All right, fair enough. What puzzles me is that why they ask people who also make mistakes when correcting them. It's like, hello, I'm here! Ask me! I might as well fix it from the beginning and be done with it.

What I'm saying is, most of us Malaysians have learnt English for at least 11 years (counting primary and secondary). Maybe it's not enough exposure but then again, aren't we into things that use English as its medium? Say songs from famous artistes. They use quite accurate language in their songs. Isn't anyone taking note of how they use English?

Perhaps I am not the best candidate to criticise people for their mistakes in English. I'll just go and improve mine first before saying stuff about people.

-- I hate it when people say things about me as if they know me well. You don't bother to do so; stop acting as if you know me.

A great night out!

2011-05-05T00:51:00.001+08:00

I met Hani Hazwani! Oh my gosh, how we have all missed her. We met up at Pak Li Kopitiam. Attendees / fun-makers: Kak Mas, Rina, Azied, Hani, Khairil, and me. So much fun! We laughed (at least, I did) so much, it cheered me up. Too bad I couldn't go to that karaoke session, although it might just sour my cheerful mood if I did go. Oh well. Happy happy me. :D

-- friends aren't always forever, love doesn't always last. (factsaboutyou @ tumblr)

Finding Love

2011-04-28T17:34:00.000+08:00

I just finished watching 'Seducing Mr. Perfect' for the umpteenth time and honestly, that movie is very heartwarming. Perhaps I can take a few lessons out of the movie on the definition of love.

What is love? Love is about understanding each other, being honest, respecting each other's decisions and opinions, communication, etc. etc. Love is knowing what the other person is going to say before s/he says it and knowing what's going on in his/her mind.

Okay, the last bit sounds a little too psychic for me but hey, some people just understand their partner on a deeper level, right? There are so many types of love.

Now, what is love to me? I pretty much concur with the definition above (it was provided by Daniel Henney and Uhm Jung-hwa). In relationships, you have to be honest, 'cause trust is something very valuable and difficult to regain once lost. You also need to communicate because no one's psychic! You can't expect your partner to be able to guess what you're thinking. No hinting games too, although I know most girls love to play this. Guys need you to be direct, not keep them guessing! It's no fun.

Love's all about respect, too. No one's opinion is right or wrong. Just because the girl likes shopping and the guy likes football, doesn't mean the girl is right and the guy is wrong. Yes, you're together, but you're two separate entities too. You don't have to stick together ALL THE TIME. It gets boring after a while. Go do something you enjoyed doing when you were single. Everyone needs their own alone time.

This is what a dear friend told me. In fact, a few people have said this.

"You don't get what you want; you get what you need."

I hope I'll get what I need too, even if I didn't see it in the beginning.

Love is many other things too, but I won't go into more. This already sounds like an advice column. Well, I should take my own advice to heart and prepare for Mr. Right to come along when he does. All the best to us single people then. :)

-- still waiting for my Dark Knight 'cause White Knights seem to be boring. *wink*

Wishing hard

2011-04-02T02:42:00.000+08:00

If only I can have this... I'd be the best lover I can be... Provided he's the intended one for me. :)

-- scared of commitments. they seem to only bring me more pain than pleasure.

Facing Up to Depression

2011-04-01T19:57:00.000+08:00

Yes, depression is an old issue with me. It's not PMS, by the way. I'd know if it was.

See, I don't know why, but I get so down when I hear friends are making plans without me. Not that I conform tightly to collectivism (I somehow often belong somewhere in the middle of most extremes), but I do feel left out which makes me wonder, why am I not invited along? Am I too boring? Too serious? Too depressing to be around?

You try and answer that.

Yeah sure, I hang out with guys most of the time. I find them to be fun, simple friends who I can tell anything to. Well, mostly anything. I tailor what I tell them according to how they are. One's a health freak, so I talk mostly health and studies with him. Et cetera, et cetera.

Tapi bila kena tinggal...

You learn to take disappointment as your constant partner in life.

-- whatever happens, you'll understand.

Socialising with Typical Malays

2011-03-06T15:24:00.000+08:00

I've been in UiTM for what, almost 3 years now, and I must say, ever since moving to Shah Alam, I've noticed some discrepancies between my behaviour and the general public. Being in Shah Alam, that general public is, of course, 90% Malays (in my estimation).

After a series of near-misses and fumbles, I decided to learn from people who I truly respect regarding this issue (siapa lagi, Yana and Kak Mas la) on how to conduct myself properly in society. Now, let's see what I've learnt so far.

1. You must offer something to someone multiple times in order for the recipient to take it. (In Kak Mas's case, offer it VEHEMENTLY.)

It's not to say that I'm by nature a stingy person. I am a generous girl (too generous at times, says my beloved mother). It's just that when I offer something to someone, I do it once (SINCERELY, mind you) and if the recipient says no, I assume he or she doesn't want it. I'm aware of this making-the-offer-many-times but after seeing it in effect, I realised I must show more interest in the offer. Poker faces won't do, my dear.

2. If you don't have anything to offer back to the one making the offer, refuse the offer politely.

This baffles me. I know nothing's free in this world, but to me, if someone's making an offer (say food), I assume they're sincere. I don't think they expect anything in return. Looks like I was mistaken. It seems that I must have something to offer back before accepting anyone's offer. Where has the sincerity in this world gone?

3. When telling people off, you must do it as layered as possible, for fear of hurting their feelings.

This so goes against my principle of direct criticism. However, I must remember, people are not me, so different ways of advice is recommended. I do so detest having to beat around the bush just to tell someone to stop whining about the same thing. It's just so irritating.

4. Make mundane jokes and talk about mundane stuff

Here is another thing I don't get. I'm not saying all Malays are like this; only a lot of the more close-minded people are. Don't any of them think about deep stuff like what's happening to the world or why someone is as he is? Don't any of them probe the deeper recesses of the human mind? See what makes people tick? All they do is talk about really shallow stuff and make the most lame jokes ever. But since spiral of silence is in effect here, I've no choice but to just grin and bear it. Imagine the people who have to live with these kinds of people 24/7. God, spare me the agony.

I think that's it for now. I'll update this once I learn something new and level up. *wink*

-- some people are just hypocrites. that's right; karma in your face.

Fleeting Moments

2011-03-06T14:57:00.000+08:00

A lot has happened since the last update, namely some vicious drama, complete with name-calling and some violence to belongings (not humans, thankfully), but I shall not elaborate upon it here. Suffice to say I, for one, am glad to be out, despite some debts still owed to my friends and me.

I'm home after two agonising weeks of being in Shah Alam (the horror of homogeneity) and I must say, it is a pleasure to be surrounded by familiar things.

Oh, for those who have been kind enough to be concerned, I've bought a replacement laptop, so you all can relax now. :)

Now, in the next post, I shall put down what I learnt about socialising with Malays.

A Day of Geekiness

2011-02-20T01:37:00.000+08:00

I went out with the psycho ex yesterday. Digital Mall, no less, to survey for a new laptop (the last one kena songlap, sangat tidak adil). I tried to be a geek for a day. Macam fun jugak.

We talked about a lot of things at KFC; one of which was the right guy. What he said was very apt: to find the right guy, he must have the right 'specifications' which are:

1. A good CPU; i.e. good-looking.
2. Up-to-date processor; i.e. not slow-witted.
3. Latest OS; i.e. modern mentality.
4. Huge hard drive; i.e. broad-shouldered (great for snuggling).

And the list goes on. Trust him to think like a geek.

I suppose shopping for men is like surveying gadgets. You want the best, yet you often happen to have something that is not perfectly satisfactory. Nothing in this world is perfect. We can only get the closest thing to perfection.

Isn't there anyone suitable for me?

-- i wish for the good old carefree days when i did whatever i wanted without caring what other people thought. i care too much nowadays. this is bad.

Days of Bad Choices

2011-01-16T20:43:00.000+08:00

It seems that I'm facing a lot of repercussions from my bad choices, from buying a phone I didn't like to screwing up in relationships. Not that it's entirely my fault but it looks like I will suffer from them for quite some time.

Okay, so it's been a long time since I updated my blog. A lot has happened since then, most notably my absurd bad luck in trying out guys who claim to like me and turning out to be something else entirely and... sigh... Let's not go there. It's just too painful to think about. It does make me think twice about the statement "It's better to take someone who loves you rather than the one you love". Reminds me of the song by Glenn Frey.

Let's talk about friends. I try not to have high expectations of them. Heck, I try not to have expectations AT ALL for some because frankly, these people disappoint me on a regular basis. Yeah, sure, we're not supposed to judge other people based on our own values but when the values involved are the very basic ones, what are you supposed to do? I should put in a quote by John Wanamaker.

"I learned ... it is foolish to scold. I have enough trouble overcoming my own limitations without fretting over the fact that God has not seen fit to distribute evenly the gift of intelligence."

I must keep that in mind always since it looks like I will be disappointed often. Tough luck, dearie.

I shouldn't care so much about what other people do in their free time. I'm only destroying myself.

Feeling left out --> depression sets in --> suicidal thoughts.

For someone who believes she is independent, I am acting like a social junkie with withdrawal symptoms.

I think, for now, I'll give romance a rest. I've done enough chasing. I'm just too tired to think about guys for now. Studies beckon.

Well, that's enough rambling for this time. Hopefully I'll be able to update often soon. Toodles!

-- his songs serenade my tired heart. i love him but unfortunately, he is not mine to love...

Musings about Emotions

2010-10-04T18:20:00.001+08:00

I just had an enjoyable day out with Hazwan, a friend I got to know through Alia, my best friend in matric. I talked a lot, as always, and he seemed to like it. (It's a lunch date, btw.)

I wonder if it can evolve into something more. I'm not sure I'm ready for anything. Everything's still at friend stage. We'll just see what happens, eh?

-- wish i can stop comparing every guy to him, even if he is my dream guy.

Gomenasai!

2010-08-01T18:04:00.000+08:00

I am sorry for the long long hiatus. Connection's been cut as usual so updates may not come as often as you like. Plus I've been busy with work and I have nothing much to write about publicly. If I did write about the things that come in mind, people wouldn't like it. That's how dark my mind is. Heheh.

Anyways, I will write more when a suitable topic comes up. Being in Malaysia, that time may not come soon. Thank you for loyally checking in. A big shout out to Najiha for asking about updates. Feedback from readers are most appreciated. 'Til next time! Cheers.

-- is being in love worth all the pain and tears?

The Road to Forgiveness

2010-04-12T17:33:00.002+08:00

I was happy, and I leaned on him, my pillar of strength.

I was insecure, and I kept him tight on a leash.

Then, the temptress Betrayal came between us.

I was bitter, and I made him miserable.

I was sad, and I saw my tears mirrored in his beautiful eyes.

Time was kind to my heart and my soul.

Now I am at peace with myself, and I finally let him go.

Connection

2010-04-03T13:18:00.000+08:00

Naz posed this question to me one day.

"What makes you stay connected to someone for a long time?"

That got me thinking. What, exactly, keeps us bonded to a person for a long time?

I answered, "How you bond with that someone."

It's one of the accepted answers, isn't it? What you have in common with that person. It could be the same tastes in music or just the feeling that both your souls are synchronised. As long as you have something in common with that person, the connection between the two of you stays strong.

I do have strong connections with some of my friends. It's how we connect and what we do with that bond that keeps the bond strong 'til now.

Also, cherish your friendships. :)

-- i'm loving you in my mind and heart.

Why?

2010-03-18T19:12:00.000+08:00

I read on Mazidul Akmal Sidek's blog that the sale of sex accessories is forbidden. I find that highly strange. What's wrong with selling sex toys? Unless they're afraid of underage kids getting influenced...

I also read the comments on the entry. Most of them have never entered a sex toy shop; they just look on from far. That's odd. You've never been in one and you're saying stuff about it. I've been in one shop (I'm not telling where) and I find the products on sale amusing and interesting. It doesn't mean I'm influenced and now on the prowl for pre-marital sex.

Some of the comments are degrading. So the 'pak cik' wants to spice up his sex life. Why are you criticising his choices? I like the 'pak cik' for being straightforward about why he's buying sex toys. Sex toys can be enriching to a couple's love life. One commenter said, "Mazidul! Pak Cik 52 tahun tu patut2nya dah dok kalut pegi cari kitab2 agama, buat tambah bekalan... bukan cari alat bantuan seks! MasyaAllah..." Yes, I agree that the 'pak cik' should be increasing his afterlife supplies. That doesn't mean he should focus on that endeavour all the time. The quality of sex a couple has is a factor in maintaining a good marriage. If it's not, tell me why I see many articles concerning sex in Malay magazines. Plus, they're married! Suka hati dia la nak buat apa dengan hidup dia.

The narrow minds of typical Malays scare me sometimes. I'm very grateful for being brought up differently.

I really wonder why selling sex accessories is outlawed. Can anyone tell me the reason?

Exasperating

2010-03-17T09:22:00.000+08:00

First off, I apologise if this entry raises your hackles, i.e. offends you. This is only my opinion and not to be taken too seriously.

I am a grammar freak. Yes, I am proud of it. I don't want to use the term 'grammar Nazi' because it's just plain bad. But I digress.

It really gets on my nerves every time I see a grammatical mistake. Some of my friends make uncommon ones and I find it amusing to try and see why exactly they arrive at the mistake. It's okay; I like correcting them and explaining why it must be so.

However, when I see mistakes being made on national television, it really is the last straw. It's on TV! Millions of people are watching it! How can you make silly mistakes like that? It's come to the point where my usually cynical brother said after watching a recently-aired Malay drama, "Adilah, you should be doing the subtitles." If my brother said that, you can be rest assured that parts of the subtitles frankly suck.

You may jump on me and say, "Why don't you go and do it, if you're so clever?". Trust me, I would, if only I have the chance. I heard that in order to get there, you need connections, so there.

I just want to say this. SILLY MISTAKES! MISTAKES THAT A TEN-YEAR-OLD CAN RECTIFY! AYSSI!

There.

Another thing that bugs the hell out of me is when people SMS or indulge in written communication. The quality of it nowadays has reached an all-time low. Young adults are too used to SMS language, it appears in inappropriate places! How about academical essays, for one?

The purpose of SMS language is to save effort and time, right? To get the message across using minimal characters. I get highly exasperated when I go on Facebook, for example, and see people typing comments using weird spelling like 'jer', 'aper', 'jew', etc. Do you know that 'jew' has its own meaning? If your aim is to save characters, I'm sorry but your aim is not fulfilled. 'Je' has less characters than 'jer'. I mean, seriously. Why would you spell words like that with additional characters that don't even remotely sound like what you want to say? To be 'cool'? I'm sorry, but in my book, that is SO not 'cool'.

I would probably have ruffled some feathers by now. To smooth yer messed-up feathers, I apologise if the way I expressed my opinion is harsh. Like I said, this is purely what I think and not to be taken as a standard of anything. To each his own. *grin*

Do feel free to express your own opinion on this entry. No bashing, mind. Cheerio!

-- take my hand and fly to the sky with me.

Quick update

2010-03-17T08:58:00.000+08:00

This is just a quick one. My long absence is due to the fact that I was down with viral fever. I was also admitted to Universiti Malaya Medical Centre (or University Hospital, for old-timers) from 11 March to 13 March. Suspect dengue maa. I'll know for sure if I do have dengue this Friday when I go to have my blood checked.

Am I okay? Now that is a question to ponder. Currently, I still am suffering from water retention in my feet which makes it difficult for me to walk sometimes. I persevere, however, and am now writing to you from my Pragmatics class. Test punya pasal...

Wish I can write more. I do have an opinion entry coming soon. Stay tuned!

-- i look for perfection and find... nothing.

Really? It's getting boring?

2010-02-25T22:03:00.000+08:00

I've received word that my blog is becoming tedious (boring, for those who don't understand) ever since I wrote about my obsession with Korean groups. Is this true? If so, let me know. I'd appreciate any feedback. Not just about Korean groups, though. If you feel my blog is becoming emo or gloomy or long-winded, just drop me a line and I'll accept your comments graciously. *wink*

Take care! :)

My first fanfic

2010-02-19T13:08:00.000+08:00

I've put up my story on my other blog. Here's the link:

http://discoveradilah.blogspot.com/2010/02/baby-i-love-you-im-waiting-for-you.html

Holidays? Not much

2010-02-18T00:06:00.001+08:00

Okay so it's the 5th day of my week-long holiday and no work has been done. I've a rough idea of my work but sadly, I didn't bring back any of my books. Why? Because I know I won't do any work, that's why! :P

I know it's Chinese New Year. No one seems to be in a mood to go out though; either that or they're out on their own outings with their own friends and enjoying themselves. Not to say that I'm envious or annoyed; it's just a thought. I've been busy with helping out my parents with their new Western food stall nearby my house (yes, I'm promoting them so do come!). An outing or two would be good in lifting the tedium out of my current state of 'vegetating' (one of my dear ex's favourite words) in front of the computer.

At any rate, my time isn't wasted fruitlessly. I've been downloading and viewing videos of Korean groups; specifically, the Gayo Daejuns (Korean year-end music festivals. The three Korean stations have their own Gayo Daejun: KBS, SBS, and MBC). I know, it's a little late, but still. My current favourite is the video of SHINee dancing to 'Just Dance' by Lady GaGa. I tell you, it's a must-watch. It's amazing how they can dance and sing at the same time. I applaud their tireless efforts at being the best.

Male idols wearing cat's-ears hairbands are cute too. Nichkhun (2PM), Sungmin (Super Junior), Jinwoon (2AM), Lee Joon (MBLAQ), Yoseob (BEAST), and Onew (SHINee) look so 'adorkable' (a word found while reading YouTube comments) popping out of the gift box! If you're curious about what I'm saying, look for SBS Gayo Daejun 2009 Male Idols video. So cute!

I really have nothing much to say, except that the 'walking dictionary' and the 'grammar nazi' are taking a well-deserved break (although both were temporarily activated when reading through a friend's blog. How I itch to have my hands on editing those posts... Hee). I'm only one person, however, so as much as I wish for correct grammar and spelling everywhere, there will always be mistakes anywhere I look. It's time to not aim for perfection the whole time. I think making sure my work is as perfect as can be is enough for the time being, yes?

By the by (a phrase from 'Alice in Wonderland', quoted by the Cheshire Cat in the book, not the movie), I've written a fanfic about SS501. It leans on gay love so if you're a homophobe, don't read it okay? I'd appreciate any sort of criticism but they must be constructive! No bashing, please.

To whoever reading this and have access to the areas nearby my house (Kelana Jaya, specifically), do feel free to come and be a customer of my parents' Western food stall at Restoran Jaya. We open from 4-10pm (if I'm not mistaken). Thanks!

-- wishing hard for someone, even though I don't know him yet

Near-death experience

2010-01-26T16:25:00.002+08:00

I nearly got fried around 3pm just now as I climbed the hill to Menara at UiTM Shah Alam. I thought it was just a flash of lightning above my head but according to Liana (my classmate and housemate), lightning struck ground just about a meter in front of us. Imagine if we had been in that spot a little earlier....

Two crispy-fried humans, coming up!

Alhamdulillah, saya masih hidup sekarang.

Something from a story I'm working on

2010-01-06T09:14:00.000+08:00

"If God decreed that I died today, what would you do? If we never spoke to each other again, how would you feel, knowing that I am gone forever?"

"I cracked our relationship with my near-flings, but you destroyed it when you told me you confessed to her."

Some quotes from my new story. Inspiration came last night. Heheh. What do you think?

New year, new resolutions, new rantings

2010-01-03T02:26:00.001+08:00

It's the new year of 2010. I'd wish you all a happy new year, but it's kind of redundant to me. I don't mean to be negative here; it's just that lots of other people are wishing each other happy new year and frankly, I just don't see the point of it. Sorry if anyone is offended.

I will be going back to Shah Alam in a few hours' time and believe me, I don't want to go back. They say if you continuously do something for 21 days, it becomes a habit. I've been staying at home for close to 2 months which of course makes staying home a habit :D. But responsibilities are responsibilities and I must do what I must.

I shall keep a positive mind when I go back and not bother myself with petty problems. I have yet to conquer my 'depression' and temper but God willing, I will be well on my way to be the master of both.

My class schedule looks almost like last semester's schedule. I'm pretty sure by the end of the first week, my classmates would've succeeded in coaxing the lecturers to move classes 'til we have a day free. I hope we'll have Fridays free... Then we don't have to wear baju kurung to class. Mwahahahah.

On another note, I believe my obsession with Super Junior has diminished somewhat. This will make it easier to focus on studies, although I'm sure I'll switch on my laptop and gaze adoringly at their MVs (music videos) and live performances after class. What baffles me is the fangirls' illogical obsession with the boy bands. I admire the boy bands as artistes; they work hard to perform their best. What I don't get is why the fangirls scream (okay, I guess concerts would be cricket-quiet if girls don't scream) and declare their love for the boys. You only know their looks, their bodies, their songs, and their energetic performances. You don't really know how they are as people. You only know what you see on camera. Why would you declare your love for them?

I find it highly puzzling. I'm not saying it's bad if you do scream out, "OMG I LOVE YOU OPPA!" every time your favourite artiste performs; I just think it's odd. I am a lover of beauty; hence, I like looking at the cute, sometimes pretty boys in Korean groups. I admire their looks and their drive to continuously do their best for their fans. They are nothing without the fans, after all.

Well, to each his own. :)

My new year resolutions? I want to focus on my studies so that I will get better results this time. Since I am unencumbered (hindered) by romantic relationships, I may be able to do just that. Heheh.

To go completely against what I said before, HAPPY NEW YEAR! :D

-- Please God, give me strength to face my problems rationally.

Half of myself

2009-12-22T22:03:00.000+08:00

I just got back from JB yesterday. Coincidentally, it's 'Aizam's birthday yesterday, so happy 20th birthday to you, teddy. I would tell him to stop annoying Alia, me, and people in general but that would lessen his charm. Strange how someone's charm can be made up of good looks, gentlemanly manners, and annoying-ness. I guess that makes him unique. :)

I finally found where I belong. I never actually appreciated how special my mother's hometown is until this time. The serenity that can only be found there calmed me down and made me at peace with myself. For once, I did not feel depressed. Coming back to KL... made all the responsibilities I left come crashing down between my ears. I wanna go back!

One would think that a kampung environment is the situation for the peace I found but it's not. Maybe it's the fact that my late grandparents' house is a bungalow. Open spaces do me well. I think I've a slight case of claustrophobia because I don't like sitting on the window seat in buses or trains. I could be wrong though.

Yeah, I think it was the open spaces. Also my fun aunt and my cousins did it for me. :)

Well, I look forward to the future with my old optimism back in place. I am recharged. ;)

-- i wanna go back! (pragmatic sentence, kak mas :D)

Hm... Strange

2009-12-17T18:11:00.000+08:00

Perhaps it's not the first time I dreamt of him, but this dream stays vivid in my mind for two reasons: I had it this morning and it involved the guy I didn't think about for quite some time, much as I want to.

(For clarification purposes, the guy I'm talking about is not 'Aizam, my cuddly human-sized teddy bear.)

The part I remember clearly won't be said here, but I will say this: my subconscious apparently recognised what my conscious part wouldn't acknowledge. I do miss him, despite what happened. The dream symbolised the hope I cherished for the years I called him my friend, even though I knew it was an impossible hope.

That's the fun of lucid dreaming (if what I experience most nights qualifies as lucid dreaming). I get to experience things that are impossible in reality, like in this dream. It may not be exactly how I imagine it to be, but pleasant surprises make you happy, yes?

Whatever anyone says, I'm still glad I had the dream.

(currently obsessed with Super Junior. I've been downloading their videos and songs like crazy. I believe this may surpass my love of Big Bang. I love them both, but Super Junior gets 1st place this time. Siwon-oppa and his gestures! Kawaii desu ne!)

Gosh, look at my life

2009-12-09T02:11:00.000+08:00

I've been reading through my posts and most of them center on depression. No wonder the quality of my life is deteriorating by the moment! I shall have to rectify this and be a happier person.

Hm... On a completely arbitrary note, I find admirers do what they can to make you happy, whereas boyfriends take you for granted. Maybe it's because boyfriends have the exclusivity over you, so they think they can make you happy any time they want. They don't really put in the effort because hey, you're already mine! Why bother to energise the relationship?

Although perhaps I am not a worthy observer, since I seem to fail spectacularly at maintaining relationships. I think I'll stick to having admirers. No strings attached and I don't have the urge to change my partner as I see fit. Most girls wait until marriage before changing their partners. I seem to be ahead of time. Heheh.

This does not mean I don't want a relationship. I do want one but I feel I am not ready. For one, I am afraid I will lapse into my old habits and start scolding and nagging my partner. I don't want that! No one deserves to be treated like that. I want to cherish my partner and make him feel special, feel he's lucky to be with me.

At the moment, however, any boy is better off being my friend. Save yourselves from my wrath! Hehe just kidding.

As a good friend said, I am person with layers. If he can't see through me, then no one can, because I myself don't understand me.

Patience is a virtue

2009-11-27T19:02:00.000+08:00

For the umpteenth time in my life, I felt lonely even though I was surrounded by people.

Due to some misplaced optimism, I actually went and immersed myself in a situation that brought me nothing but aches and 4 hours of utter boredom. If the telly was not on I have a feeling I would've fallen asleep right there regardless of the people around me.

To top it off, I cried. Whether it was out of pity for my own loneliness, the hopelessness of the situation, or completely because of something else, I'm not quite sure. All I know is that I will trust my instincts and won't enter that situation ever again.

I should be patient. But when I have little patience as it is and it is stretched to the max, can you blame me for snapping? Thank Allah I didn't snap then. When I'm annoyed, I give the silent treatment. Even if no one else notices.

I should just let it go and move on with my life. I have more things to worry about than this small thing.

I strive to be the best I can, for that is all I can be.

Fun Neighbours

2009-11-03T09:49:00.002+08:00

Firstly, an announcement. My maternal grandmother just passed away. Al-Fatihah buat rohnya. Amin.

Secondly, this is just a quick update on my life which revolves around depression, fun, laughter, sadness, depression again... you know. So anyway, I'm just preparing the template for a very long post which will come soon (God willing) and have my way about it.

It's sad to think that we're going to move and leave behind a house full of fun boys. It was odd because when we first moved in, the boys were seriously 'sombong mak aih'. They didn't say hi to us or anything! Bila dah nak pindah baru nak kenal, nak main surat, macam2! Haha.

The letters will be posted online soon. Hee.

Even though it's a bit late, I enjoy getting to know the boys. I have their numbers too so it won't be a hassle to contact them. As proved time and time again, I seem to click most with boys. There are only a number of girls who I can call my closest friends. I can tell them anything and trust them not to wince when we get to the 'juicier' parts. Hehe.

Well, I'll continue this when I next get access to a connection, whenever that will be. Take care and toodles! Salam.

-- am i a cold and reserved girl? people don't seem to come to me when they have problems that i know i can pretty much solve. do i have a wall around me? so many questions and only vague answers come.

Raya with a bang!

2009-09-27T10:43:00.003+08:00

I never knew what fun 'beraya' was until yesterday. 4 hours of non-stop fun and laughter at 3 houses defined 'beraya' for me!

I wanted to go to Alisya's house since Hizwani couldn't make it to Najiha's house later in the afternoon but due to a surprise visit to the market, that was off the list. And so the day commenced with Imran's visit to my house. Hanif too, but that was a surprise guest. I seriously did not know!

Najiha's house was nice, with nasi impit, kuah kacang, and mi kari served. Jangan lupa kuih tunjuk-tunjuk! Hahaha. Dapat la minum Ribena... Baru la istimewa raya ni! :P Duit raya pun dapat... Thank you! :D

After that was Naqi's house. I can't believe Imran (Naqi's brother) is so grown up! Dah boleh cakap. Makin handsome dia. Nasib baik la kecik lagi (6 tahun baru). Kalau tak dah masuk line kot. :P We had some great times talking with Pn. Fahrisah and laughing over 'dendeng daging' (betul ke tulis nama dia ni?).

Kat rumah Salwa kot yang paling riuh. Salwa, who's taking a course in textile design at UiTM Kelantan and has a wacky sense of fashion. Mula la lawak plan wedding nak guna tema apa. Tema Mesir dengan pasir yang dicuri dari playground atau construction site masa malam2, tema English dengan bunga ros yang berlambak2 dan salji yang diimport khas dari overseas. Siap dengan pelamin kat dalam igloo lagi. Sempat... :D

Reminiscing about the times at SMK Sri Permata was great. Macam-macam cerita keluar. Sam la, cikgu Maths la, cara Naqi panggil Hanif la... "Haniiif...". Tak dilupakan cerita Salwa dan Imran masa di sekolah rendah. Mak Salwa call Imran cakap Salwa tak boleh datang beraya kat rumah Imran sebab Imran ada abang-abang je. Takut nanti jadi apa kat Salwa. Comelnya cerita tu! Wakaka.

On a sad note, Alisya's flying to UK on Monday night. She'll be doing Actuarial Science at University of Southampton, UK. I'll miss her lots! Atiqah dah fly ke Nottingham. One by one, my friends are flying away. Kita je la yang tersadai kat Malaysia ni... But strangely enough, I don't feel any desire to go overseas. I'm happy to study in Malaysia, even though the political situation sucks big time here.

Anyway, I'm off to the gathering and Shah Alam afterwards. I'm glad I experienced Raya this year. Hari Raya Aidilfitri has been redefined for me. Thank you friends!

Before I forget, thanks to friends who wished me selamat hari raya! Kalau ada yang tertinggal, tell me k? This list is in no particular order.

- Ainuridah

- Jie (housemate)

- Yaya!
- Uyun

- Hani

- Nik Aliff

- Nana TEKA

- Fahmi

- Raisa!

- Kamiel Ikhram

- Najiha (kak jie!)

- Nazriq

- Fairuz KMM

- Amir Hilmy

- 'Aizam (baby teddy)

- Alan

- Aizuddin

- Affiq

- Alice (pokghok)

- Liana

- Aliff

- Ashraf

- Azfar (hey sexy)

- Nabila

- Hizwani

- Che Hamdan

- Izzati

- Dira Aisha

- Adia

- Fadhli

- Hidayah

- Alia

- my cousin Omar

-- wow. i'm writing in malay. i wonder if the way i write looks odd or unnatural. someone comment, please?

Out of the fire and into the frying pan

2009-09-27T10:28:00.002+08:00

Raya holidays are almost over. Not that I felt any jubilation over being able to celebrate Raya at Johor Bahru (specifically, Larkin) but it's a relief to be able to kick off your shoes and relax without thinking about responsibilities and assignments. (Tapi kejap je. Lepas tu risau balik. Haih...)

Now that my holidays are coming to an end, I find myself thinking (but not doing) about various huge assignments on my head. Blegh... To top it off, I'll be back to missing good phone lines and 24/7 internet connectivity in my house. Malasnya nak pergi cybercafe...

I'll be off to a gathering at my mum's friend's house, where there will be guaranteed good food and laughter (at least). I won't be online as much so... not many updates then.

Take care now. Toodles!

-- i have a follower? wow i'm amazed and touched! thanks!

New blog!

2009-09-24T02:05:00.001+08:00

Okay it's nothing much to talk about. Just that I opened a new blog at tumblr.com.

http://discovermyself.tumblr.com

Tell me if you have ideas for the new blog kayh? Cheerio!

Hm...

2009-09-06T12:19:00.002+08:00

I'm thinking of opening a new blog at Tumblr.com. Mostly because their themes look awesome. What do you think? Let me know!

-- God, give me strength to live my life happily and not be jealous of other friends who have a better social life than me.

Single?

2009-08-19T09:58:00.003+08:00

I know it's not so bad being single... I've been there before.

This time hurts so badly though. My first time at heartbreak.

I still love him. I know he does, too. It's just that the distance separates us and our efforts. Studies and parents' wishes come first too.

Sigh...

-- oh well.

Anger management

2009-08-12T16:00:00.002+08:00

I need to control my temper. Sorry, sayang.

-- i just learned that cussing is not a good thing to do. i mean, of course it is, but i never really thought it's one of the things that would get you to hell. like seriously. blegh.

Something to do with books and utter happiness

2009-08-05T09:34:00.002+08:00

We stepped out gaily into the sunlight and made our way through the alley. As our laughter rang through the air, Kak Mas's phone rang. She fished it out of her bag and answered sweetly, "Hello?"

A few seconds went by until she said the most welcome thing we could wish for: "Hah? Takde kelas? The whole day?" As I recall, Hawa jumped for joy and squealed. I'm pretty sure our faces were wreathed with joy at the unexpected news.

So begins our day of book-filled pleasure.

Lady Luck must be smiling at us that day. We were waiting for the bus to KTM Shah Alam when -- what do you know, Kamil and Che Hamdan passed by in a white Kancil. A few pleasantries were exchanged, and then Kamil graciously offered to give us a ride to KTM Padang Jawa. Woo!

After a good albeit flies flying everywhere lunch at A&W, we headed to Amcorp Mall.

Joy to the world... I found the last Harry Potter book! At RM37.90! I think Kak Mas got so excited when she saw the whole range of self-help books; she slid to the floor as she happily perused the books. Yana was also prowling the shelves with barely-concealed glee. We had lots of fun laughing over the humour books and discussing the merits of the numerous one we found interesting. Even the pressing weight of our laptops did not disturb the joy.

Paying for the books was another pleasing experience. The Indian lady at the counter was very friendly and she suggested that we get memberships so that the next time we come (you can be sure of that), we can get discounts. And so Kak Mas and I did. We even got a free book thong! Bliss.

For perhaps a long time in my life, I felt completely at home. Here were friends who I could talk to about books; maybe try out authors that I've never read before. To find someone who shared my passion for books was difficult; to find someone who loved and took care of books like I did was even harder. Most of my friends simply did not understand the love I had for my books. To put it simply, my books are my most treasured possessions.

To have found friends who shared my passion... well, it was pure happiness.

Although we were nearly wiped out from the trip, I'm pretty sure we left with glad memories of the day.

THE END

-- macam cerita budak sekolah rendah. haha. kak mas and liana, thank you so much for a wonderful day out. i love you girls.

Learning a lesson

2009-08-04T10:34:00.002+08:00

Well, I must say I've learned my lesson for -- what, the umpteenth time? Goodness knows. But, I am trying my best to be a better girl, so you peeps stand by me and help me, yeah? I'm really sorry if I did do something to you guys to hurt your feelings very much.

I am a sincere person. Without wax.

I might not be updating my blog as much but as you can see, I've changed my blog name (thanks to Almas *hee hee*) and description. I've even put in a quote by 'Aizam (my dearest teddy bear *hehe*) to keep me in view of what's important. Who knew the guy actually had tact? Well okay, he's always behaved in an exemplary way when handling me. Sorry to say that I did not when it came to him.

Well, sayang, I will do my very best to treat you the best I can. You deserve nothing less. :)

Whoops, I gotta go. Hope this entry will do for now. Cheerio!

-- suppressing depression is not easy. hm... i should just learn to be happier.

Madness

2009-08-01T14:37:00.003+08:00

I've gone truly mad. I know I've been depressed ever since matric but that does not excuse me from doing abominable stuff. Like posting destructive entries online.

Now I'm 'demolishing' my friendships one by one.

I'm very sorry to the people involved for the criticisms I posted online. Goodness knows 'Aizam has had more than his fair share of criticisms online. God bless him for standing by me all this while.

Isn't it strange? My friendships go like this: introduction, we go happy2 for a bit, then KABOOM! A fight. After that, we're closer than ever. I can happily say that the people who have gone through this with me are the truest of my friends. Yay!

Maybe I should stop blogging. What do you think?

-- cutting myself because i'm depressed is stupid. doesn't mean i'll ever do it. people, read what's there; don't jump to conclusions. please.

Bloody overpriced, underfurnished house

2009-07-07T10:24:00.002+08:00

I've moved into the house and let me tell you, it's OVERPRICED! 1200 per month excluding water and electricity charges and it only has.... *drum roll*

- bed (tu pun loklak punya)

- fans

- fridge

- washing machine

- dapur (gas beli sendiri)

Taula dekat dgn UiTM pastu banyak gile kedai makan dan kedai-kedai lain kat situ. Cekik darah nak mampus! Nasib kontrak satu sem je. Tak hingin aku nak duduk situ lama-lama!

Okay, done ranting. Now to focus on studies and be independent.

Away to Shah Alam

2009-07-05T13:10:00.002+08:00

Just a short announcement. I'll leave for Shah Alam today (cheh macam la jauh sangat) and probably won't be online much. Just want to say take care you people! Have a good semester!

Naz and Anisah, I'm sorry for being angry and for an unsatisfactory outing (in my opinion). If your opinions differ, do let me know. See you again!

Cold Fury

2009-07-05T00:33:00.002+08:00

Went and watched Ice Age 3: Dawn of the Dinosaurs. A rip-roaring movie full of laughter. Crackpot Buckminster made a good addition to the cast of wacky characters. I love ya, Sid. Haha.

For perhaps the first time in my life, I experienced cold fury. I admit, it was partly my fault for walking too fast and perhaps being a little too absorbed in my conversation but what I cannot tolerate is being made to look like a fool. Amboi lajunya jalan... I had half a mind to let them be and find my much-needed belt but the good side told me to give a proper goodbye since it'll probably be a long time before I see them again.

Next time, I'll listen to the more sensible side of myself. I am a proud person and my ego (yes, I have a big ego) suffered a blow here. Today could've been better.

Can anyone enlighten me on what to do during a double date? I'd appreciate it very much. Mucho gracias.

-- too much dwelling on it is bad. dahla i'm having a migraine and i'm going back to shah alam and i haven't finished my packing. bloody hell.

Is it too much?

2009-07-02T19:00:00.002+08:00

The giving of too much freedom to him is taking its toll on me. Apparently the latest admirer wants him to dump me. Just like that. Wow, you gotta admire the nerve of that one.

By the sound of it, he's waiting to see if the attraction will lead to more feelings.

I'm blank - no, I feel rage - inside me. I know he's still loyal and he still loves me, but sometimes I wish he wouldn't feel as much as a speck of attraction for other girls. It's very threatening to me.

I've tried being nicer, but it doesn't seem to work. He's still attracted to other girls. I know I'm acting like a jealous girlfriend. I've been very understanding when he's being a facilitator and I know he's busy but that doesn't mean I like it.

I want some attention. I want the romantic love he used to shower on me in the earlier days of our courtship. Is it too much to ask?

I'm freezing my heart. The pain is just too much to bear, even though it's probably nothing much to think about.

-- i don't know what to think now.

End of holidays

2009-07-01T12:56:00.002+08:00

This is my last week before UiTM opens. I feel a mixture of feelings ranging from excited to depression. Funny, but when I am with my friends, I feel depressed a lot. Well, this time I'm making sure I don't give two hoots about what they're doing. My life remains my life. Hopefully I'll get Dean's List( 3.5 and above) this sem.

Which means I'll have to bring lots of books to keep me company. Oh all right... I'll bring only 5. Should be good enough.

I noticed something. My posts are written in rather an old-fashioned manner. Big words and all that, unlike my peers who write more freely in their blogs. To each his own, eh?

To talk about my social life would be pointless, as I have next to zero outings. That shouldn't matter so much, right? As long as I am surrounded by happy things and friends who will stand by me, I' m good.

Ice Age 3: Dawn of the Dinosaurs opens today. Anyone willing enough to bring me out?

-- what will you do if you feel like trying out someone new?

Ungrateful me

2009-06-26T03:15:00.002+08:00

Humans are always dissatisfied with what they have. Including me.

Why can't I just be satisfied with awesomeness personified? I just had to go wishing after someone who doesn't even like me that way.

I have gone mad.

'Aizam, sayang, I'm really sorry. I'll try and be a better girlfriend to you. I'm sorry for all the swearing and general bad behaviour towards you. You have the patience of a saint (or so Nazriq says). Only God knows how you can tolerate me for nearly 2 years.

I will try and get over him, fast. Please God, help me in this endeavour.

I love you.

Transformers!

2009-06-26T02:38:00.004+08:00

Thanks to my dear friend Imran (who works at Cineleisure Mutiara Damansara), Nadira, Azfar, and I managed to catch the blockbuster Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen.

The movie was awesome. Although it could have done without the weird scenes, i.e. "I am beneath... the enemy's scrotum.". Say whut? Swingin' balls yaw!

I didn't realise how much I missed hanging out with Nadira until I saw her. She said I'm tall! Yay! Like I dunno it before la. Meh.

I have a bit of a sore throat here, courtesy of over-talkativeness in the car with Azfar and generally today. Remind me not to talk when we're at the U-turn, okay hotshot? ;) Asyik sesat je kat situ.

Let's do it again! Harry Potter next. I am so coming back. I don't care.

You all yang membaca post ini, please go and watch Transformers 2. I'm not going to elaborate further. Thank you.

-- his scent reminds me of the things i'll never get. i wish you and i can have a date. just once. please?

Mercurial me

2009-06-25T00:51:00.001+08:00

It's surprising how being bored can lead to you feeling tired and in the end, put you in a bad mood.

I don't remember being bored when I was younger.

What happened?

-- boredom is bad for health.

Malay novels

2009-06-22T11:05:00.003+08:00

I don't claim to have read many Malay novels; four is enough to make me stop reading them.

Okay, so I've read only 4 and all of them by the same author. Perhaps my opinion is a little biased. Then again, if a bestselling author's works make me feel this way, maybe the rest will make me curse the idiocy of the characters to perdition.

Having learnt Critical Thinking in my first sem, I can't help but wonder, WHY THE HELL don't the characters just come out straight and say, "I'm married to someone"/"I'm in love with someone"/"I actually can do work and it's not your place to heckle me to death just because you favour your other daughter, you old bitch"? Wouldn't life be a lot easier?

Kebanyakannya berbelit-belit. Balik-balik cakap pasal benda yang sama. 'Aku hanyalah insan yang lemah. Mungkin inilah yang ditakdirkan untukku.' Kitorang taula yang kau tu lemah. Boleh fikir pasal benda lain tak? Like how to do something about your weakness, for heaven's sake?

The stupidity and secretiveness of the characters make me want to slam the novel down and yell in frustration. Most of the characters just make me want to strangle them. Argh!

But then, if the characters were so forthcoming, the novel would only be a hundred pages long and it would lose the suspense, wouldn't it? Tak seronok la kalau sikit sangat bilangan muka surat novel tu. We are paying for it, after all.

Bottom line, I will only read Malay short stories from now on. I know there's one anthology just waiting for me to get my hands on it. I'm done with novels.

-- now do you see why i prefer english novels? the love scenes are good. heheh.

Bored; thus, the post

2009-06-22T10:40:00.002+08:00

Just over a week more to the start of my second sem. My heart is beating faster at the thought of seeing old friends again and maybe meeting a few new ones. I'll be living on my own again, which is bliss and depressing at the same time. I'll live for my own sake, not for others. I'll be depressed because every time I know my friends are doing something without me, my spirits will droop.

I can survive on my own, really. Friends are like the decorations for anything; you can't live without them.

Honestly, you can't really blame people when they don't think of something. Like the house-hunting episode that happened to me. I think my classmates really didn't think of informing me that they've found a house. See, this is what I think they thought: "Yay! We've got a house!" "What about Adi?" "She probably got her own house. No need to tell her."

If you didn't think of it, there's no point in arguing about it. It just didn't cross your mind.

When things like this happen to you, you wonder, Am I highly detestable? Don't people like me?

Which puts a real huge dent in your self-esteem.

But then, I have true friends who stand by me in times of distress. Which reassures you and says, Hey, I'm not so bad after all.

It's hard when said true friends are far away from you. They're always there to listen to your problems, though. I should be thankful for that. One SMS is enough to let them know of my troubles.

Okay. Back to Square One.

-- this is why i prefer to bury my nose in a good english book. malay novels just pull my spirits down.

Mellow!

2009-06-14T12:37:00.002+08:00

I often wonder why is it that my relationship seems to be missing something. That kind of closeness, the bond.

Then it hit me.

I think I'm boring. I'm always wanting to please others. Heck, I have low self-esteem, okay? If I'm not comfortable in my own skin, then how am I supposed to be close with other people?

Now I understand. I have to love myself first before loving others. I'll definitely appreciate him more. *grin*

Learning how to be mellow in ten minutes after my female classmates ditched me in house-hunting for next sem. I think most of them are just thoughtless bitches - no, bitch is too strong a word - thoughtless asses then. They're jerks for simply assuming stuff.

Most of the times, boys make the best friends. Til next time!

-- it's not fair that you get to call me by a nickname. a very good nickname pulak tu. dang.

A bit of poetry, anyone?

2009-06-14T12:14:00.002+08:00

BLACK FURY

Fury, that rages within me

Black fury, that burns everything in its path

O fury! rage! why do you burn so?

I do not wish to be angry

I want to be happy! Free!

How easily joy eludes me.

You, who spurn me like I am a leper

You, who laugh at me behind my back

Are you the friend I thought you were?

Spurn me if you will

Despise me if you want to

I don’t care! I don’t care!

Yes, I do care...

Fury, that rages within me

Black fury, that burns everything

Burn thyself out and

Leave me be.

(What do you think?)

Pure awesomeness

2009-06-08T23:31:00.003+08:00

Today is a bittersweet memory to be etched forever in my mind.

It's a sort of last-date-before-going-back-to-uni thing so despite the hitches earlier, it was all smooth sailing.

I finally got Neil Gaiman's American Gods!! And at 20% off too! Yippee!

Happily, I also had a chance to meet 'Aizam's friends, Ahmad and Shang. Truth be told, I was rather obsessed about it since 'Aizam has met many of my friends; I thought meeting his would only be fair. Off we went to Ikea then.

Imagine my shock when I met Kenneth Yap! Turns out he's been working there for 4 months. Talk about a small world.

'Aizam's friends are fun and different. A breath of fresh air, so to speak.

Dinner at Nasi Ayam Hailam at Uptown. Great soup, great veg, great everything. Thanks, sayang. :)

Well, I'm glad I went out today. Next thing to look forward to is finally locating a house for rent and 'traditional midnight McD rendezvous' with Azfar. Cheers!

-- being with him is absolute bliss. i'll miss him awfully.

Respect, girl

2009-06-03T20:43:00.002+08:00

I just want to say something.

When you're in a relationship, three things are important.

LOVE, COMMUNICATION, RESPECT.

When you lack one of these components, you're in danger.

A warning to anyone who's in a relationship with any of my close friends:

If you disrespect my friend, I won't like it. And trust me, you won't want that.

That is all.

For you

2009-06-03T20:23:00.003+08:00

Technically, we are nothing to each other, you and I. We are just two people who happen to like each other. A lot.

Why do I feel this way then? I feel the wondrous emotion called... love.

I still am in disbelief. How did I ever catch your attention and eventually, your heart? You're out of my league. I can't believe you like me.

But you do. You like me a lot. And so do I.

Secret glances at each other

Hearts beating furiously

Love, the all-consuming emotion

I don't like the way I am now. I used to be cold and calculating. An emotional scientist, if you will. Meeting you has changed me. I am warmer and I learn to respect other people, especially you, whom otherwise I would have exploited to my selfish purposes.

Being in a relationship with you has taught me aplenty. I learn to respect my better half. I learn to voice out my opinions, my wants, my needs. I even learn to find the courage to tell you the dark feelings within me. Nothing is too big or too small to talk about. You're always ready to listen and advise, even if you tend to have a one-track mind. So much for multitasking.

Alas, I seem to be destined for a long-distance relationship. Holidays are the only time I can see you. Despite that, we see each other very little. We try to cherish whatever time we have together, don't we?

I'd like you to know that I cherish your existence in my life. Without you, I would have been a cold-hearted girl with no respect for others.

I acknowledge the existence of multiple mini-personalities within me; more precisely, three. I am still learning to control them and remain a friendly, warm girl with a ready ear for anyone.

Be my pillar of strength

Be my friend

Be my love

'Aizam Zubair, thank you for being you.

Of outings and wishful thinking

2009-05-25T03:07:00.003+08:00

My holidays are well underway. I've had a few outings and they were good. It takes off the surly mood of being cooped up in the house, doing nothing but chores and lazing around. I'm just waiting for June, when some of my best friends will be free and waiting to unleash chaos upon the world! *evil laugh*

Okay, so I'm just trying to cheer myself up. I'm bored, as I am expected to be during the holidays, with nothing to do but live for others. Nothing wrong, only that I can use a bit of me-time here and there. Then again, my mum has done so much for me, so why not live for her?

On another thought, sometimes I wish my guy friends would just stay single. Not that I grudge them their happiness. On the contrary, I wish nothing more for them than finding their true loves and living happily ever after. But then, I can feel something is slightly different between us after the happy ending. Sure, the guy says nothing has changed but I can feel it. Something that has subtly changed. Of course, wishing for things to stay the same is a ridiculous notion. Then again, it's all wishful thinking. Wishing that life will stay this good always.

Dream on. The girlfriend has taken over the post of best friend.

Logically speaking, that is inevitable, isn't it? Your better half will be the one listening to all your grouses and deeper thoughts that you share with no one but the one you trust fully. The same is evident with me. I tell my heart's dearest my problems, my views on life, everything that I care to share. However, I do not let my relationship consume me fully. My friendships stay the same even after I have found him. I like to think that I maintain the same way I communicate with my friends; thus prompting my favourite ex to mention that the way I behave now is like I'm single. Therefore proving my ideas of a relationship to be right.

Unfortunately, I can't say the same for my guy friends who are in a relationship. Yeah, close is close, but there is a gap, all the same.

Don't get me wrong. I like the girlfriends, the significant others. I consider them close friends too. It's just that when we get together, there is an invisible wall that no matter how hard I try not to notice, still separates me from them.

Ask people who have gone out with my boyfriend and me. I try my best not to make them feel like the third wheel or to quote him, 'like a lamppost'. Yippee.

I know how it feels to feel unwanted. I want to spare people the feeling of 'semak je'. It's not something you'd enjoy.

I suppose my ideas of being in a relationship differ greatly from the conventional one. I accept that we have become a unit, but we are separate entities and we respect that. Regardless of the fact that I am in a relationship, I still preserve the kind of closeness I have with my guy friends when I was single. This is thanks to the openness of his mind. I give you freedom to do what you want and you give me mine.

Thank goodness for the romantic disinterest of my still-single guy friends. I'll enjoy it while it lasts. Cheers, baby-doll *wink*.

Well, I'll just have to take whatever life throws at me and throw it back with equal fervour. Toodles!

-- i am on the way to complete hypocrisy.

Holidays are here

2009-05-06T16:22:00.001+08:00

The first semester is over. Goodbye, Puncak Perdana. It's been heck of a life there. Lots of fun and misfortunes.

I'm looking forward to life at Shah Alam. Hopefully, the second sem will bring me new experiences and friends *wink*. I have to look for a house first though...

Now what to do with the holidays...

Opportunists ahoy

2009-04-23T16:19:00.001+08:00

Why is it that it is so hard to find friends who you can depend on? Friends who'll stick with you through thick and thin?

Girls, particularly.

Like this particular girl I'm housemates with. To me, if you can't help with the small, obvious things, then how are you when it comes to bigger, abstract things? Walk in front of her carrying a lot of stuff and struggle like mad but she won't lift a finger to help you. Sick, right? What happened to helping friends? Best friends la sangat.

Yet, she'll pick your brains for assignments and go gallivanting around with other people when you're supposed to be studying. Then the brain-picking commences. Blargh.

Yup, I gotta be careful with her.

This is one of the times that I wish Alia is here. Then we can go on our own merry way and to hell with the rest. Mwahahah.

-- stable relationships are boring. and here's something i learnt: the world is cold to those who stand out. (gokusen 3)

Just for the sake of updating

2009-03-19T14:14:00.002+08:00

I have just been to Anisah's blog and whew, did she get bashed! But do not despair, dear girl. As they say, you can't please everybody.

Anyways, being hated isn't new. No one is perfect. Perfection is tedious. As Oscar Wilde's Gwendolen Fairfax states in the play 'The Importance of Being Earnest', "[Perfection] would not leave room for developments". I bet everyone wants to develop well, right?

But that's not the point of this entry.

Talking about depression is undoubtedly boring after a while. Let's talk about something else. For example, my Academic Writing lecturer told me I have a talent for advertising! The way I write my essays are very... well, fictional? Definitely good for advertising, where you have to grab your audience's attention, but not suitable for argumentative essays. Yikes! I gotta learn to write to suit the question.

I am currently reading the vast amount of comments on Anisah's latest post and I have to say, the immaturity and the lack of critical thinking entertains me. It's fun reading what these people have to say, although they really shouldn't be taken seriously, since no one wants to be infected by childish thinking and oh-so-biasedness. Rule of thumb: criticise what is being argued, not the arguer.

Anyhoo, I'm going back to read the comments. It's immensely entertaining. Writer's block standing in the way of more words too. Heheh. See you round!

Is it?

2009-03-09T13:27:00.003+08:00

Is it possible to feel depressed, lonely in a sea of people? Is it possible to feel pushed away when people are laughing all around you? Is it possible to feel unwanted when your friends are talking and you want to interject but are rejected?

Yes, it is possible. Because I am feeling it right now.

You may say, "Hey, it's a rough patch" or "Who says you're being pushed away? We all are still with you". Truth is, the 'togetherness' is only for a while. Most of the time, I sit there like a statue, minding my own business. When I keep quiet, they ask me why. I've got nothing to say, that's bleeding why!

Sigh.. Maybe it's the primary school trauma catching up with me. I was a social outcast there.

I need to be more positive; carve my own path there. But when I do, they think I'm distancing myself away from them. Yikes! What is a girl to do?

I seek attention, comfort all the time. I know it's not possible, yet I feel like I'm drifting away from them. They talk about things which I do not know of; new words that I don't understand.

What is the best course of action?

I shall take things as they come. Go with the flow.

That doesn't stop the wave of depression that washes over me more frequently now.

Someone help me?

To clarify the situation

2009-02-04T21:57:00.002+08:00

It looks like my previous post has generated two rather strong-flavoured comments. This is to clarify the situation.

The fact is, no continuous hand-holding was involved. What actually happened was that after I kinda confessed to him, he grabbed my hand for what, two seconds? And said that he felt the same about me. After that, nothing romantic happened. We continued our friendship like normal.

Furthermore(chewah guna connectors), he has acquired a girlfriend recently. So there is no more danger of me 'cheating' anymore.

Anyway, my boyfriend and I are very clear about everything that happens in our lives. We tell each other everything and talk about everything that might happen in this relationship. There is no question of 'cheating' because both parties are clear that we're staying together. Besides, I'd be very stupid if I were to let go of him. :)

Anyhoo, I hope this post clears up everything. I am not a cheater and I do not intend to start now. Nothing serious happened. I appreciate your concern.

Thank you for reading my blog. Hopefully you will continue to do so. Cheerio!

Is it cheating?

2009-01-31T11:46:00.002+08:00

Let me ask you something.

I'm in a long-distance relationship with a wonderful boy who is everything I could ask for and more (although he could improve in the height department. heheh). I love him and I don't want to lose this beautiful relationship that we share.

Absence should make the heart grow fonder, right? In my case, it doesn't work that way. Absence makes my heart grow farther.

In the 3 weeks that I've been at UiTM, I met 2 guys who like me (OK, 1 guy. I'm not interested in the other anymore). This boy knows I have a boyfriend and that I have no intention of being serious with him. Despite that, he doesn't mind holding my hand and generally acting a little more than a friend. I call it 'friends with benefits'. ..... Not THAT kind of benefit! Sheesh! (FYI, I am a little interested in him.)

My boyfriend knows this. He's not happy with it, but at least I'm the one telling him instead of a friend. He prefers me to be honest, no matter how bad the truth is. The fact is (this is just a theory), I'm used to having this kind of attention, this closeness, showered on me when I was at matric. Now that I'm far away from him, I miss all that. For some reason, I feel the need to find a substitute that can give me all that, no strings attached.

The guy is happy to fill that need. Which leads me to thinking, is this right? I'm not leading him on, am I?

My boyfriend wonders why I have to get a substitute. I already have him, so why the need? I don't understand myself. Maybe I need constant contact? That makes me sound like an obsessed girlfriend. Hm...

Layers. Like onions.

What do you think?

UiTM Puncak Perdana

2009-01-31T11:13:00.001+08:00

First of all, I'm sorry I haven't updated my blog in such a long time. Student life, busy busy. You understand right? :)

How is life at UiTM? Specifically, Puncak Perdana campus? Here's a list of them (I'm too lazy to write in paragraphs).

1. We live in apartments. Since UiTM rents the apartments, instead of hostels, we get apartments! 3 bedrooms, 2 toilets. 1 room has 4 people, the rest has 2 each. Double-decker beds (I'm in the biggest room and I sleep on the top bunk) grace the rooms and large one-pane windows let the lovely sunlight in. Okay... I sound like a real estate agent. Anyway, as my room is the biggest, it's usually where my housemates come to 'lepak'.

3 blocks for girls and 2 blocks for guys. Unlike KMM, the boys's blocks are easily accessible so it's real fun going there and just... hanging out. :)

2. The faculty is really near. A friend of mine, who lives on the ground floor, can just jump out her window and she's there! The campus isn't that big, so getting to and fro from house to faculty is really easy.

3. Food is everywhere! In addition to a dining hall and cafe inside the campus, there are burger stalls right outside the entrance and a cluster of tom yam stalls behind the campus which we call 'kandang'. I know, odd right? I think it's because it's a one-stop center for all the student's needs. Photocopy, laundry, barber shops... A lot of students gather there for various purposes, hence the 'kandang' thing. It's just a theory.

Those are the 'features' of Puncak Perdana (PP). Do I like being there? Hell yeah! Why, though?

1. My housemates and classmates rock. Surprisingly, my housemates all get along supremely well. We laugh and have meals together, even though we're from different faculties. There are 3 English for Professional Communication (LG220) students, 3 Bahasa Melayu untuk Komunikasi Profesional (LG221), 1 Information Studies (IS) and 1 Teknologi Kreatif dan Artistik (TEKA). As for classmates, there are only 14 of us, since overall is 33 and the other 19 are taking Mandarin. We (Group B) take Japanese. Thus the two classes. O-genki desu ka. Domo arigato gozaimasu. (How are you? Thank you very much.)

2. My lecturers are great. They're all PhD holders, save for my Literature lecturer. Which means they're all eccentric in their own way. My classes are from 8.30-4 every day except for Wednesday, which ends at 6. 2 hours of lecture... sometimes 4 hours straight... Of course, we do have break.

Hm... I think that's about it for now. I have A LOT of assignments to do (blame the lecturers for going trigger-happy with the assignments--no, HOMEWORK). Hopefully this entry fulfills your need for a new post ;). Take care!

UiTM here I come!

2008-12-25T10:56:00.002+08:00

It's my last day as a free girl.

Tomorrow, I shall meet my fate, dressed in a 'cage dress' (baju kurung) and probably shoes that will hurt my feet a lot. There will be scores of people there, all feeling nervous. Hope burns in their hearts that they will make their time there worthwhile.

ON TO BATTLE!

Okay, dramatic much? Haha.

To put it in layman's terms, I'll be leaving for UiTM tomorrow to register for my degree course in English in Professional Communication (did I even get it right? Heh). I think most of my friends already know since the first thing they ask me is, "Cuti ke? Study kat mana sekarang?" So yeah, go figure. Harap maklum kepada sesiapa yang masih dalam kegelapan (in the dark).

Clothes? Strewn all over my bed but check. Room supplies? Er.. 90% complete. Books? Check. Bags? Check. Now it's just the itsy-bitsy-but-very-important things. Like hangers, drinking water, notebooks... You know, just things you can't live without.

Oh oh. Just a little side note here. I'm changing to Celcom now so you Maxis peeps jangan marah kalau bil melambung. :P To you Celcom peeps, ask me for my new Celcom number (since, obviously, I wouldn't be posting personal info here).

All right, wish me luck! And pray that my resolution to study smart and hard stays all through my time there.

Take care! I miss you all.

-- eh, don't worry. i am coming back on weekends. it's not like my uni is so far away like last time. drop me a line if you miss me too much. *wink wink*

Twilight?

2008-12-20T00:18:00.002+08:00

Finally! I watched the hottest movie of the year, thanks to Azfar ;)

All right, I admit to having quite high hopes for the movie to follow the book. I'm sure most of the fans agree with me. Come on, which movie really follows the book it's based on anyway? Twilight as a movie is good, due largely to Robert Pattinson's awesome appearance as Edward Cullen.

I can't say the same for his acting, though. He is the embodiment of Edward Cullen (looks-wise) but... he could do better. That's all I'm saying *ducks under the all the tomatoes thrown by Rob's fans*. Kristen Stewart... Let's just say she's so-so as Bella Swan.

What put me off was the glitter special effects. When I read the book, I imagined it to be like when you see sunlight reflected in the water... It's hard to describe how I imagine it. Multi-coloured diamond facets? Yeah, I guess. The special effects don't illustrate enough how Edward sparkles in the sun. I suppose the limited budget killed it.

Of course, the fact that it barely missed the 'terpesong dari buku sangat-sangat' line didn't make it any better.

I'm still buying the CD, even though it's just for Robert Pattinson *wink* and for the sake of understanding the story better.

I've read all the books in the Twilight saga (again, thanks Azfar) and honestly, I don't understand it. I mean, I get the main story but how it got to here and there? I don't get it. I believe I'm not the only one here and thankfully, some of my friends are not into Twilight. Phew. I just read it to know what the hype is all about. Stephenie Meyer doesn't really explain some parts well. Sigh.

As with all things in this world, you can't please everyone. Majority wins. But I'm inclined to stay on the non-fans side. I admire Stephenie Meyer for being able to write like she does, but I'm sorry to say that she doesn't strike my fancy.

I hope that New Moon (the film) will prove to be a better film than Twilight. I'm sure Taylor Lautner will do a bang-up job on acting as Jacob Black. Hopefully Robert fans will not desert New Moon just because Robert's missing for a big part of the movie.

Cheers to being in the minority!

Weary

2008-12-15T20:16:00.002+08:00

I'm just so tired of feeling all these bad and complex feelings, just because people around me are changing.

I know I've changed a lot. From the sheltered girl to the totally open-minded person I am now; I'm pretty sure nothing my friends tell me will shock me now. Of course, there are exceptions to everything, so I'm keeping my eyes peeled for shocking things :D

I'm starting to feel the strings binding me loosening; my philosophy in life has always been "Go with the flow". Honestly, just how long can I feel angry, sad, lonely, disappointed at people who I used to love hanging out with? Just... let go.

A special note to Jie: Thanks for being an absolutely cool and understanding friend. You are a friend in need indeed.

--feeling resentful towards my friends won't help me much. sometimes i wish my guy friends would just stay single so i could enjoy their company always. selfish much?

Disappointment

2008-12-15T00:53:00.002+08:00

I am honestly disappointed with two of the most important people in my life, thanks to my too-high hopes of them.

Honestly, what was I thinking? Did I actually believe that people in relationships wouldn't change? Of course, I hope I didn't change much. I still hang out with my guy friends. I still don't sms people much. They sms me *smug grin*.

I suppose it's because I don't take my relationship seriously. Hey, I am serious with 'Aizam, don't get me wrong. It's just that I don't feel the need to be with him constantly. I do tell him things, but then again, I tell the same things to other people too, so he's not exclusive to most things in my life.

Too bad I expected the same of these two people.

My sensible side: Look, just because he used to call you up with updates like every day and night, doesn't mean he will do that after he gets a girlfriend. You're a girl, so's his girlfriend. Your role in his life has been replaced by her. So what?

My selfish side: We're not as close as before. I told him I felt something had changed between us, but he insists that nothing did. We're still close. I admit, he has helped me out of some serious ruts in my life, but what I feel like doing now is cutting him off because apparently, I don't matter anymore.

My sensible side: Now that's just silly. You can't throw away all those years of friendship just because he changed! Of course you matter. It's just that all the times he could tell you things that happen in his life, he could tell them to her. It's obvious that he would gravitate towards his girlfriend more. You should have expected it. You know what's the best thing you could do? Give him the space that he needs and everything will fall into place perfectly.

There. My sensible side wins. I'll be there if he needs me but that's it. Nothing more.

The other person... is a little easier to explain why I'm disappointed.

You know, I thought that once we were connected, we'd be more involved together. Like I'd contact you first sometimes and you contact me sometimes. Equal share of first moves. Apparently, it doesn't work like that. Goodness knows how many times I've made the first move. I've even told her boyfriend about this.

In short, I'm disappointed because I had hoped so much on her making the first move. You know, when you think of me, you contact me kinda thing? I'm a bit insecure like that. You might think I'm overthinking on this, but trust me, being scared of losing me as a friend is NOT a good excuse not to sms me. Why is it always me who has to ask, "Hey how are you?" I suppose I look like I'm independent and confident, so there's ABSOLUTELY NO NEED to enquire about my current status.

Wow. I sound like some obsessed psychopath. But that's how I am. I rank my closeness to people based on how often you contact me. Although if you're busy with uni or rarely have credit, I totally understand. I'm not unreasonable, after all.

Based on that, I feel I am closer to my friends in matric, namely Alia and Masitah, than my school friends. I know they care about me a lot, but I ain't seein' proof of that love lately :(

One more thing. Another girl I'm disappointed in totally took me by surprise. She used to be so eager to talk about her budding relationship with a guy, but nowadays, when I ask about him, she laughs it off and changes the topic. Like what the hell is going on here? Did I miss something? Oh right, I might have BECAUSE YOU DON'T TELL ME ANYTHING.

Feel free to ignore this rant if you find it extremely offensive. It's just how I feel now. I'll be back to normal soon, I'm sure of it.

--get this. i pissed off a woman at cold storage klcc because i said it was so sucky that she pulled out a 50 to pay off 3.15. good thing i didn't hear her or see her glaring daggers at me or a full-scale fight might have broken out. aizam was shocked at my behaviour though. i suppose the bad me is coming out.

Sigh

2008-12-10T18:42:00.002+08:00

Looks like my chatbox is full with conversations. Thanks for keeping it alive ;)

I'm so sorry for the long absence. 'Trustworthy' Streamyx. Hmph.

I've nothing much to blog now; just informing you that I am still alive (and updating my online things as soon as possible). Be back with more!

Cheers.

-- i wonder if romance is so hard to talk about.

Alhamdulillah

2008-11-26T18:43:00.004+08:00

Guys, I'm blogging just to tell you one thing:

I GOT THE UITM OFFER!!!

Thank God. I'll be registering on the 26th of December at Puncak Alam. To those who have prayed for my success, I thank you all very much.

To a new life in uni, with a new resolution to do my very best (and hopefully new things *wink*).

Arigato gozaimasu!

P/S: Do visit my new blog and let me know what you think. Cheers!

-- being angry just won't help matters.

Indefinite hiatus

2008-11-22T22:47:00.002+08:00

OK, due to the lack of connection in my house, both of my blogs are on indefinite hiatus. I'm on my lucky break here hence this post.

So you guys, don't expect any new posts from me anytime soon. Ain't easy here. Sorry yeah.

In the meanwhile, check out the blogs in my lists. Toodles!

New blog

2008-10-23T01:10:00.002+08:00

Okay this is just a short post announcing the 'birth' of my new blog, http://blackdenim.wordpress.com.

I shall post all my fictional works there (or what I can find of them). Hope to hear your feedback!

Cheers!

Work

2008-10-13T11:29:00.002+08:00

First days are usually bad, if not worse. First day at kindergarten, first day at school, first day at work... Mine wasn't so bad, though.

I am the kind of person who has to know exactly what is required of me before I start work. I don't like half-finished instructions or having to find everything out by yourself. Turns out my workplace is like that. Half-done instructions and exploring your work requirements by yourself. Yippee.

I completely understand why because due to lack of staff, everyone has to pull double duty. But still.. I would appreciate a little tour of what staff do at a bookstore, seeing as it was my first time working at a retail store.

Well, for my first day of work, I did a lot of housekeeping, i.e. arrange the books and stationery. After that was done, I was introduced to tagging stock (a very good part of the job as all you do is sit and tag things ranging from pens to cutter knives). I rather like tagging because as long as you do work, no one disturbs you. It allows time for me to think and dream of my next story, plans, etc.

Suffice to say, my first day at work could've been worse.

My workplace is very muhibbah. All the three main races work there and we all get along perfectly. It's the first time I socialise with people years older than me and surprisingly, I find I can connect with them. Laugh out loud, talk about anime, school... I like it.

As the days go by, I see so many types of people who exist in this world. Kindly, friendly, rude... There was this Sikh woman whose eyes bulged and appeared to not understand me when I said that we were out of 10sen. She seemed like she couldn't accept the fact that a shop could ever run out of shillings. A Malay lady struck me as rather funny. She was buying a newspaper when she burst out about the PM. I won't say what she said here (in case I get charged for sedition. Anything goes nowadays) but the way she was talking made me think she is a very spirited woman and I salute her for that.

There are others but those two stand out the most in my memory.

All in all, working there is not bad. After all, I earn money and I rather enjoy my work. If you want to see me, all you have to do is come to E-Books, Giant Mall. Till next time!

'Something Wonderful'

2008-10-09T23:09:00.006+08:00

I'm a Judith McNaught fan, thanks to Alia lending me her romance books. I've read some of them and was moved by the way she wrote about heroes and heroines in bygone eras. Their love stories were powerfully moving and stay in your memory a long time after reading them.

Recently, I acquired a book of Judith McNaught's that I haven't read yet, 'Something Wonderful'.

The book stars Jordan Addison Matthew Townsende, a powerful, arrogant duke and Alexandra Lawrence, a tempestuous country girl whose innocence and straightforwardness won Jordan's heart in the end. It is a tale impressing how powerful the truth can be and true love does indeed exist in this world. It is a tale that has moved me to tears... although I think 'Once and Always' is Judith McNaught's best work yet.

I've yet to buy 'Once and Always' but after looking at the recommended reading order, I think I'll get 'Almost Heaven' as well, since it features recurring characters from 'Something Wonderful' and 'Once and Always'.

I mean to make a wishlist and see how many books I really want, although I have a niggling suspicion it will amount to well over ten. Yup, I plan to drown myself in books. I simply am a romance-adoring soul.

Judith McNaught is definitely a romance author worth checking out.

-- I look into his dreamy brown eyes... and see something wonderful.

Opposite-sex friendship

2008-10-02T09:22:00.003+08:00

I'm a girl who likes hanging out with boys. Only a select few girls ever become my close friends. Maybe it's my tomboyish nature, or maybe boys are just a lot more fun. Either way, we're here to explore the friendship between guys and girls.

Have you noticed, if a guy and girl become really close friends, one of them will end up liking the other? It's almost unavoidable. I've been there, my other guy friends have been there. Why, I wonder?

DISCLAIMER: These are all theories. I do not claim to be a relationship expert, nor do I want to be one. You want one, go find one.

They say best friends make the best lovers. You know the secrets, the woes, the happenings in his life. How he acts here and how his personality is. Most likely, so do he. He knows almost everything about your life. Advise each other about life itself. Or, maybe it's the comfort. You feel so comfortable being with him; the transition to falling in love with him (or him falling in love with you) is so subtle, you barely notice it.

Of course, once he knows about it (or vice versa), the friendship could turn awkward. You don't know what to do (I'm talking both sides here) for fear he'll think you're hinting at upping your friendship level up a notch. For me though, if the guy likes me, I'll be the best friend I can be to him. In a way, I feel rather sad I can't return his feelings, so I'll try to be a good friend to him. Instead of moving away when I know he likes me, I move closer.

That might be bad, but so far, I see nothing bad happening. They accept it and move on. It's important not to sever the friendship when either one of you can't like the other person back. You are friends first, right? The bond between you two is too sacred to lose.

Well, that's all I have to say on the subject. Get more opposite-sex friends people! They broaden your mind and perspective on life. Cheers!

5 people and answers

2008-09-28T01:17:00.003+08:00

name 5 people you can think of right off the top of your head. don't read the questions underneath until you write the names of all 5 people. this is a lot funnier if you actually randomly list the names first. NO CHEATING!

1. Alia
2. Aizam
3. Alan
4. Naz
5. Hizwani

DON'T READ AHEAD UNLESS YOU FILLED THE TOP
1. how did you meet 1?
At a very auspicious place in Kolej Matrikulasi Melaka. The surau! She was talking to someone, I interjected, and we couldn't stop talking ever since!

2. on a scale of 1 -10 how would you rate your friendship with 1?
Probably 9.5 to 10.

3. how long have you known 4?
7 years, beginning from Form 1.

4. how do you know number 3?
I met him when Alia entered KAKOM for Public Speaking. He was Alia's counterpart for the competition.

5. where's 5?
In PJ, probably studying for her finals.

6. a fact about number 1?
She talks a lot in excellent English. Seriously.

7. who is 4 going out with?
A girl who goes by the name of Anisah *wink*

8. what does 1 do for a living?
She's still studying! Pharmacy in Bandung.

9. would you live with number 3?
I wouldn't mind actually. He's pretty much like me, only more childish.

10. what do you like about number 2?
I like lots of things about him! Cute, funny, but annoying as well.

11. do you miss number 5?
I do miss her. A lot.

12. would you make out with number 4?
Ew! He's my pet brother, for heaven's sake! Besides, he's TAKEN. :P

13. what’s your opinion of number 2?
He's a great guy.

14. what's your favourite memory with number 5?
Laughing our heads off. It always happens.

15. what would you do if 1 and 2 were going out?
I don't mind because I know Alia would rather jump off a cliff first than date Aizam.

16. ever had a long conversation with 5?
Mmhm. We're best friends!

17. have you ever slept at 2's house?
Does his uncle's house count?

18. do you hang out with 3 a lot?
Not really. Bolehlah. We wish it could be more often though.

19. who have you known the longest?
4.

20. how often do you talk to 1?
Often la jugak. Best friend maa.

21. what about 2?
Every day via SMS or call. We are together after all ;)

22. have you ever thought 3 more than a friend?
Nope. Too playful and not punctual for me.

23. would you go out for a date with 5?
Lesbian date jom! Ahaha.

24. do you dream about 2?
Sometimes when I miss him a lot.

25. what did no 4 did to you that you can never forget?
Hm... Call me a bitch and a liar? OK I didn't really remember that but we fought. Yeah.

26. what have you done for 1 that the person never forget?
How would I know? You hafta ask her yourself.

27. what's 3's hobby?
Chasing girls? :P Nah. More like sleeping.

Do this people! It's fun! Thanks Najiha :)

Yay! A meme again. Huu...

2008-09-20T00:43:00.002+08:00

5 Things I found in my bag:

1. Debris. Paper, flyers, tissue... you name it, I've got it.

2. A book (it's a must-have in any bag I carry)

3. Telekung

4. MP3 player

5. Keychains

5 Favourite Things in My Room

1. My beloved books!

2. My pillow (I love sleep)

3. My necklaces

4. My rubber bands

5. MP3 player

5 Things I've Always Wanted To Do

1. Be drummer in a band, be it I'm the only girl in the band or an all-girls band. Rock on!

2. Fill my house with my favourite books, arranged in order (the list is always growing)

3. Drift! As in drift driving. NFS is real cool!

4. Swim properly (I love the water)

5. Be a famous blogger? Ah well.

I ain't tagging anybody. You want to do it, you do it.

Missing a very dear girl

2008-09-17T08:58:00.002+08:00

Dear Friend,

Yesterday, at work, I saw this girl who strongly reminded me of you. She honestly looked a lot like you. I don't know about personality, although she was really polite and her voice was sweet when asking me questions.

She stayed in the shop for quite some time. Looking at her sent a pang of longing I've never felt before. For the first time, I really appreciated the fact that you're my best friend. You were always there for me and not for the first time, I wish I'd treated you better when we were staying together. It wasn't your fault I felt left out. I had brought it all on myself.

Still, regretting the past isn't very good. I tend to get all heavy on emotions.

I'm actually surprised I miss our times together at 'that place' now more than ever. Yeah, sure, it was a little oppressing on us but it was also the place we bonded and everyone was together. We had so much fun together! Sigh... It's true kan? You don't miss it until you lose it.

I hope you're doing well in your studies abroad. Snag those hunkies when you can! =)

I miss you, Alia Amir.

Back

2008-09-10T23:51:00.002+08:00

Okay it turns out server 'rosak', not 'line kena potong'. Sigh.. But it means I am back to blogging!

Just a short notice here. I've started working at e-Books Giant Mall (yeah, come and ogle at me there) so I won't have much time for blogging. Be ready for irregular updates! If I've anything to update, that is.

Stay tuned!

Hiatus

2008-09-02T12:04:00.002+08:00

Announcement: This blog shall be on hiatus until further notice. This is caused by a lack of funding in the connection department, i.e. 'line kena potong daa'.

Any who wish to contact the author of this blog can do so via sms or call. (I ain't posting it here. Who knows what kind of weirdos are out there.) Those who do not have my phone number can contact my friends. Mwahahah.

Any inconvenience is deeply regretted. Thank you for visiting.

Interesting tags

2008-08-25T23:26:00.002+08:00

I found these tags to be very interesting. Both from Alyaa.

Tag #1: Dream Wedding
This is a survey about your dream wedding, whether it be in the next year or after ten years. So, please answer after you read, the person who answered this before you took a great deal of effort.

1. How old are you?
Nineteen.

2. Are you single?
Nope, fortunately.

3. In what age do you think you'll get married?
Mid-twenties, God willing.

4. Do you think you'll be marrying the person you are with now?
I certainly hope so. :)

5. If not, who do you want to marry?
Maybe a celebrity. Nah, I value my privacy.

6. Do you want a garden/beach or a traditional wedding?
Garden/beach sounds very tempting... tapi kita ada adat. Traditional, yaw!

7. Your ideal motive?
White and light green, I suppose. Green me likey =D

8. Where do you plan to go on a honeymoon?
I don't know, actually. I've never been to any island resort. I'll let him choose, as he's been to more holiday locations than me.

9. How many guests do you think you'll invite?
A reasonable amount, I hope. Family, friends, colleagues... dan yang sewaktu dengannya. I've even a friend who threatens to burn the pelamin if I don't invite him to my wedding. ;)

10. Do you want an extravagant wedding or a simple wedding?
Extravagant me no likey. A simple wedding would be good. Food, glorious food... It'll leave more money for the more important things, like household stuff.

11. Do you want the traditional vows or something you'd make up on your own?
Hm... Dunno. Ijab kabul sudah.

12. How many layers of cake do you want?
Is this really necessary? The least possible layers please.

13. Do you prefer having your reception at a hotel or a simple place?
I would like it at home as I am a homebody. It'll be fun, seeing the house swarmed with people.

14. When do you want to get married, morning or evening?
Nikah? Evening, maybe.

15. You'd rather have your reception outdoors or indoors?
Outdoors. Indoors tak muat weyh.

16. Do you like a grand entrance for your groom?
No. A simple procession to the dining table will do. Or we can do it the Johor way. Pun boleh...

18. Name the song/tune you'd like to play at your wedding.
A list will be prepared when it's time. :)

19. Are you a morning person or a night person?
Night. What are you asking anyway?

20. Do you want a solemn ceremony or a light one?
A light one will do. I want my wedding to be fun, fun, fun!

21. What age do you want to get married?
26, 27, God willing.

22. Describe your ideal husband/wife.
Right now, it's Aizam, with a few inches added to his height ;)

23. Do you prefer fine dining or just the normal spoon & fork/knife?
Fine dining is awesome... but I love food and lots of it, so a normal set will be ok.

24. Champagne or red wine?
Orange cordial + sirap bandung.

25. Honeymoon right after the wedding or days after the wedding?
Days after the wedding. Get everything out of the way, and then we'll be off for wedded bliss.

26. Money or household items?
Money. I can use it to buy things we need.

27. Who will pay for the bills?
We'll discuss this later.

28. Are you ready for married life?
Not really. I'm all for the romance and wedded bliss, but I'm not ready for the responsibilities.

29. Do you think you will still be a virgin until you get married?
Obviously! Although I know some others are not.

30. Will you always be true to your wife/husband?
Yes. A little of harmless flirting here and there, but my heart belongs to him.

31. How many kids would you like to have?
Maximum four.

32. A new house for a newly wed or an old one?
Doesn't matter.

33. Will you celebrate silver wedding, gold wedding or diamond wedding?
Yep. I love anniversaries!

34. What kind of cuisine would you like for your wedding?
Malay, definitely. Can't wait for the nasi briyani!

35. Will you record your honeymoon in a CD or DVD?
Maybe. If he wants to.

36. Whose wedding plans would you like to know next?
My friends who do this tag thing.

Tag #2
Remove 1 question from below and add in a personal question, make it a total of 20 questions. Then tag 8 people in your list, list them out at the end of this post. Notify them in their chat box that he/she has been tagged.

1. If you could spend one Ringgit in 5 minutes, what would you spend on?
A drink from the pasar malam.

2. What is your most favourite thing to do?
Either reading or spending time with my dearest.

3. What kind of news do you read?
Headlines, celebrity news. Sometimes politics.

4. What would you give up in return to eat all you want in the world and not get fat?
My laziness? Haha.

5. Is there someone in your heart right now?
Absolutely.

6. Do you believe you can survive without money?
NO.

7. What are you afraid to lose the most?
Loved ones. And books.

8. What do you feel like doing right now?
Sleep. Preferably next to the boy I have in mind now. :)

9. If there’s someone that you love, would you confess to him/her?
If I see encouraging signs of requited love, yes.

10. List out 3 good points of the person who tagged you.
Erm... I've never met her so go figure.

11. What are the requirements that you wish from your other half?
Be there for me when I need him, love me unconditionally, and a little taller.

12. What is the thing that will make you think he/she is bad?
How you treat your equals and inferiors.

13. Do you feel like killing someone at the moment?
Not really. Does slapping her to death count?

14. If you had to eat one thing for the rest of your life, what would it be?
Meat, be it beef or mutton.

15. If you had a choice to be rich or happy, which one would you pick?
Rich. Money can also bring me happiness in some way or other.

16. If you have a chance, which part of your character you would like to change?
The laziness.

17. Who is the person that you can share all your problems with?
Just about whoever is willing to listen.

18. Name one song and why.
Menjaga Hati, Yovie & Nuno. It reminds me of him.

19. What is the one thing you love about yourself?
My height =D

20. Do you like cats?
I love 'em to bits.

I tag anyone who reads these tags.

Touched

2008-08-24T01:31:00.003+08:00

First off, I want to say thank you to the people who remembered my birthday (22 August):

- Affiq
- Hizwani, Atiqah, Alisya
- Aizam
- Nazriq
- Naqiuddin
- Anwar Saiful Bahri
- Anwar Zainal Abidin
- Najiha
- Aizuddin
- Hazwan (ex-H4P2, KMM)
- Syikin (ex-H4P2, KMM)
- Syalina
- Raisa
- Nabila Farhana
- Richard
- Sandiya
- others whose name I cannot recall at the moment

Thank you very much, everyone!

I received a very pleasant surprise yesterday. Wani asked me to join a gathering of the girls at Alisya's house. Of course, I agreed readily.

We had some really good laughs while waiting for Atiqah to come, mostly due to Wani's PUS-ness ;) When Atiqah came, she brought a box of cake with her. Me, being all blur, didn't bother so much about the cake until she said, "Kek ni untuk awak Adi."

A SURPRISE BIRTHDAY PARTY FOR ME!!!

More laughter over the placing and lighting of candles and eating cake. The cake was awesome, by the way. I forget the last time I've had a birthday party. I... I'm all jumbled up, I'm so happy.

All this time, I thought I was all alone with no friend to support me. Now I know that's silly. Of course I have friends. Friends who will support me if I only ask them to. I'm so very happy...

ALISYA, ATIQAH, HIZWANI: I LOVE YOU VERY MUCH.

Left behind in his wake

2008-08-16T02:31:00.004+08:00

Isn't it annoying, to know something about someone you care about a lot, from someone else?

It's been more than 2 years since I knew him, and I cannot forget him, even though I've found someone who understands me so much more than I do.

Oh, don't get me wrong. I love my boyfriend to bits *wink*

Here's what I want, straight from my heart: I want to be the closest friend to him. I want to be the one he confides in about his problems, anytime. I want to be someone he values a lot.

I know I can never have that, yet I long for it. I yearn to break free from this binding, but I can't. Every time I see words penned to him from someone else, words that stir the embers of my jealousy, it sparks and blooms into a high flame, burning me in its intensity.

Yeah, yeah, I know. Chill, girl. You have other friends. Others who can fill the void in you better than he can. I'm trying! And every moment that I try, common sense slips through my fingers... and I yearn for him more.

I can never have him the way I want to. I am left behind in his wake, every time.

Narcissism at its best

2008-08-11T21:45:00.003+08:00

Does anyone realise our generation is moving into a narcissistic era?

For those who do not know what 'narcissism' means:

Narcissism: Excessive love or admiration of oneself.

Okay, technically we're not that bad, but basically, we are well on our way there.

Just look around you. People take so many pictures of themselves lately. When you ask them why, chances are that you will receive answers such as "For Facebook", "Friendster", "MySpace", to name a few of the hugely popular networking websites.

A friend once asked me, "Why do we dress up our profiles on these pages? What do we gain from doing it?". I think it's a sense of narcissism that makes us do it. It's like we're promoting ourselves to other people out there. Sure, some do it to make new friends, stay in touch, whatever. But if you think deeper, isn't it all some self-loving movement?

I'm not saying dressing up your profile is a bad thing. It's just a matter of moving away from what the profile is really there for (letting people know things about you) to glamourising (is there such a word?) yourself. In my honest opinion, that is.

I admit, I am guilty of such a thing. I thought making my profile look all glam, complete with glam pics, was an important thing. Now I see that it's not. Just fill in the basics, toss in a few good pics of yourself, and you're all set! Leave the profile to do its work. Oh, and maybe update it once in a while.

Hmm... I would say he's like Prince Charming in Shrek.

Adult...ery. No! Adulthood. Yes, that's it.

2008-08-04T07:07:00.002+08:00

Is being an adult all that it's hyped up to be?

Responsibilities. Financial concerns. Social needs. Facing any of that is enough to make any of us teens shudder, but facing all of those? That's what pretty much makes an adult. No wonder most of them are serious the whole time.

I value my freedom. Thank God my boyfriend understands that and gives me what I need. I like being able to let go of everything and enjoy the moment. Most of all, I value the ability to just sit for hours, curled up in a comfy sofa, nose buried in a good book. Yeah, me likey.

Reminiscing about my rapidly-disappearing teenagehood, I realise there are so many things I could've rectified. Treating my first ex better. Studying better. Being a better person. I miss Form 3. The best Prefect year of my life. I'm sure the girls agree with me. =)

It's pretty much like an RPG. You make this choice, you go down this path. The Road Not Taken. Wouldn't it be fun, to rewind and go down a different path, just to see what happens if you do? I'm a manipulator, so it is entertaining for me. Yeah, condemn me all you want, but it's me and I can't -- no, I won't-- stop being me.

I don't want to be an adult, now I know what I will face soon. Kids are dying to grow up, but that's before they realise life's difficulties. As Dearest says, "Life is easy. It's people who make it difficult." Maybe I should wish real hard for Peter Pan to bring me to Never Never Land and live there. But then, I probably can't stand life without the Internet and good food. Hahah.

Life comes with pros and cons. You get your own money, you also get the problems that come with money. How I wish money really grew on trees. Like pokok duit-duit. Kalau ada kan best.

*sigh* I'm trying to hold on to my teenage years as best as I can, yet I find they're slipping away from me. Cherish the life we had... =D

Well, all I can do now is prepare myself to be the best adult I can be. Yeehah!

Talk show hosts and their never-ending blather

2008-08-02T17:21:00.003+08:00

I've been watching some talk shows for a bit. While I enjoy some shows such as 'The Breakfast Show' on ntv7 (where do they get the hot hosts? *wink*), there are some which grate on my nerves, like 'Martha Stewart' and 'Rachael Ray'.

In case you lost the thread, I'm griping about the hosts.

You're there as the host. You (or rather, the show's producers or whoever does the inviting) are talking to guests. Most times, I notice that the hosts cut into whatever the guest is saying. I mean, you're there to ask questions and get the guest talking about whatever topic you have there. Maybe express a few opinions. But most of them never give the guest a chance to finish what they're saying. Poor guests!

Those are international ones. Let me give you the national ones.

Chef Wan: talks WAY TOO MUCH. He has to learn to listen to people instead of talking all the time.

Unfortunately, that's all I can think of right now. Heh.

So, what do you think about our national talk hosts? Do share your opinions with me. For anonymous people, keep it non-abrasive, okay? I appreciate your comments; just keep it clear and precise.

Toodles!

Playing a game now, are we?

2008-08-02T16:32:00.003+08:00

Well well... Looks like the blue moon struck my blog. I've had a comment posted by... who else? Anonymous. Let's see what this person wrote, shall we?

"so i found another person who doesn't respect a freedom of expression. enough about hannah, and what about you? i'm looking forward to comment on your post. the rule is simple, you make your blog private, you lose the game."

Firstly, being my grammar teacher side, there's a mistake. It should be 'freedom of expression', not 'a freedom of expression'. I never knew there are so many types of 'freedom of expression's. Mwahahah. Oh, 'enough about hannah, and what about you?'. Um, you're saying enough about her. Shouldn't it be 'so what about you?'. That's what I think. Correct me if I'm wrong.

Secondly, did I say I do not respect freedom of expression? I do. For example, you can look at the increasingly annoying comments from farhan. He annoys me to oblivion, yet I allow his comments to stay. Why? Because he has the guts to write his name and face the consequences (although I doubt he cares about it. He's just out there to bug me).

Thirdly, I really don't understand why you don't write your name. Is your name such a stigma to you that you keep it hidden from the ones you comment on? Honestly, I like to know more about the people who comment on my blog. Maybe we have a lot in common and hey, maybe we can be friends! But... since you opted to omit your name from the comment form...

For finishers, I'm not afraid of you, so I'm keeping my blog open. This blog belongs to me, me, and ME (of course, without Blogger this blog wouldn't be a possibility) and I have the 'freedom of expression' you clearly crave. The more the merrier, innit? Plus I have an inkling that you're using the reverse psychology method. But that's just my opinion.

Cheers!

Depression fictionised

2008-07-28T13:32:00.002+08:00

"It's just sick now, the way people kill themselves to end their suffering. That girl... she was only 17 years old. Dead now, like the rest of them depressed people."

Alyssa shook her head and passed the newspaper article to me. A 17-year-old girl had jumped from her 10th floor apartment after receiving her SPM results. To me, her results were good enough to pursue further studies but to her... it wasn't. She considered herself a failure and opted to end her life. Such a waste of brilliance.

I pushed the paper away. That bit of news reminded me of my own depression. Although it had nothing to do with my academic life, its effect on me was almost as crippling. Put in layman's terms, I was feeling lonely.

I don't know how it happened. All of a sudden, my 'dark side' was coming out, telling me in snide tones that no one cared about me anymore, no one wanted me. Me, having low self-esteem, believed every word and fell into the dark abyss, deeper than I cared to. At times, I put on a brave front and tried to occupy myself with work, but it never succeeded. When midnight came, a wave of self-pity would wash over me and I would cry myself to sleep.

No one really knew the extent of my depression. Not even Aidan, my boyfriend. God knows how much he had to go through. What with my hot temper and ridiculous behaviour... Only He can repay Aidan for his never-ending patience.

I tried to tell them. Honestly, I did. But the words never seemed to come through. Or if it did, I never said how badly I was affected. At some point, I wanted to slit my wrists and be done with it. Good thing I valued my life more.

Unfortunately, I pushed away my friends. I walked out on them. I left them behind and made them puzzle over my abrupt change in behaviour. No doubt I made them angry too. As much as I wanted to mend fences with them, I couldn't. No words would suffice.

It took me the parting of our ways to show that my depression was nothing but a figment of my imagination. I realised then how much I missed by shutting them out. Regretting it all would be useless, although it served to teach me a lesson in being a friend.

Suicide brings nothing but grief to the family and retribution in the afterlife. Depression is best handled with company. At least the burden is lighter.

Goodbye, depression.